Thursday, June 30, 2005

Tom Cruising For Penis

As Sitting Bull is my witness, this is the LAST time I am going to talk about Tom Cruise, if only so I could put this picture up:

That kills me.
Anyway, as most of the people that live with me know, (read: D. B. Bogangles III, Big Bear Grimshaw, Pugsley Grimshaw and Dien Bien Phu Wellington Ivanovich Grimshaw, none of which are human in the dictionary sense of the word) I boycotted "War of the Worlds." This was for three reasons.
Number one: The Post gave it less than three stars. The Post movie reviewers and I are on the same page and they have steered me wrong only once in the last decade, so if your movie received 2 1/2 stars, you're shit out of luck. You will not get my $10.75.
Number two: If I have the choice between seeing a movie adoptation of a book or reading the book, I will generally side with the literature. The only movie better than the actual book was "Beaches." Fact.
Number three: If I see Tom Cruise for more than five minutes straight, I throw up in my mouth. I did an experiment last week and I had to go to the drugstore across the street to buy Mylanta and was eye-raped by the guy at the counter. No more Tom Cruise.
However, the Scientology shit was the breaking point. Tom had this fucking coming for decades. Here now is my Tom Cruise thesis:
Tom Cruise sucks my nonexistent hairy ball sac because he's a famous actor who can't act.
There. I said it. The only movie he was any good in was "Jerry Maguire," and that was because he was playing - gasp - an egotistical straight asshole whose marriage disintegrates because he spends all of his time in the locker room with a naked Cuba Gooding Jr. If they made a movie called "E. E. Grimshaw: The True Story of a Brillant, Crafty Mind," and they got me to play the lead role - I would fucking nail it. Even a drugged lemur could assume the role of a drugged lemur.

Now, I feel deep down, beneath the battered nasty-ass nose and cum-stained teeth, Tom knows he sucks the cock. I mean that figuratively. PSYCHE. But think about the people Tom chooses to co-star with, it's an incredible array of legitmate actors: Paul Newman, Dustin Hoffman, Jack Nicholson, Jon Voight, Jonathan Lipnicki. Any one of these people has the ability to make Tom look like a legitimate professional.

My final note is that the Katie Holmes situation is being completely underanalyzed. If you go to, you can get a shirt that says 'Down Came the Rainman." Tangent. But we're forgetting that this guy is a) considered a sex kitten for some fucking reason and b) is richer than some collective island nations. If I found Tom Cruise attractive, which I don't, and wanted his penis inside of me, I would consider buying earplugs and enduring the hell of him opening his mouth so I could get my fix. This is akin to the hot gym teacher I had in high school. Wait, I can probably find a picture. Fuck. Here's the Web site if you're remotely interested. He's a lot hotter than that. My point is that he happens to be dumb as sin. He spelled his name wrong on the board once. However, with a gag in his mouth, he would have been an acceptable sexual partner, and I think the same applies for Tom Cruise. If you think he doesn't look like a turd.
In honor of the end of Thursday, it's time to honor the closest thing this world has to a Greek god:

Dov'e armpit hair?

I just orgasmed.


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