Wednesday, July 27, 2005

If Helen Keller Was Souless.

Before I forget, I would like to extend my gratitude, eternal thanks, et cetera to Abbi Leman, who, as far as I know, is the first person ever to link to Weenie Enema on her blog. I have since added her blog to my list of amazing sites/blogs, and I feel everyone should check it out. As she is considered my superior, she undoubtedly possesses better writing skills, especially in the technical arena, and anyone who successfully escapes from Illinois to the middle of drag queen central deserves mad props. I am done with my plug.

I'm fully aware that I will receive death threats and heaping mounds of fecal matter at my door for disparaging this, but this kid is blind and plays video games.
Let it be known that I am not anti-blind people. I heart blind people, and if you have a blind kid like Brice who manages to excel at videogames and subsequently delivers crushing ego blasters and sexual inadequacy issues to weirdo geek people, more power to them. However, this is fucking ridiculous on a number of levels.
Number one, what parent in their right mind gives their blind child a VIDEO GAME SYSTEM. From what I gather, he received one at the age of seven, ruined a whole bunch of game controllers in fits of rage, and then after 15 years was good enough to beat people that could actually see the game. Who the hell thinks that's a good idea? "Oh, my child is close to clinically depressed because he can't do anything that other children his age can do. Lets taunt his condition by giving him a game that relies on SIGHT." Baffling.

At least Stevie does something constructive.
Number two, once Brice, who understandably has anger management issues from not being able to see Sub-Zero punching the shit out of him, started ruining his game controllers, wouldn't that be a huge clue that maybe video games and blind people don't mix? Furthermore, it appears that Brice's recipe for success is memorizing fight combinations and getting guidance from what the characters are saying to each other, which means that he would never be able to play actual GOOD video games with plots, like Super Mario Brothers. Sorry Brice, the mushroom people do not make noises as they plow into the defenseless mustachioed overall man.

Lastly, you'd think the one perk to having a blind child would be that he wouldn't be spending hours in front of the television. And yet, Brice must sit in front of that thing constantly, albeit not actually looking at the screen. There are so many other stories that are significantly better than this one:
E. E. Grimshaw Memorizes All 100 Senators in History Class with Teacher That Looks Like Neckless Dick Cheney.

E. E. Grimshaw Sees Chocolate French Bulldog, Follows It for 19 Blocks.

E. E. Grimshaw Tried To Buy Paul Anka Cover Song Album, But Found It Overpriced.

If given a chance, these stories could take the world by storm - and then some. Brice obviously should get the Braille version of "East of Eden." That book is badass.

Tomorrow will be the list of the 10 best movies of all time. The top pick will obviously be no surprise, as it involves the beach. Dun dun dun.

I've said too much.


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