Thursday, July 21, 2005

I Knew A Kid Named John Roberts in High School. He was a Cunt.

I'm not quite sure when everyone in the world decided that I was a Communist. Apparently I give off Socialist vibes, which I can only assume comes from some of my unsuccessful attempts to establish fashion trends with Scooby Doo boxer shorts over my jeans and having Golden Girls hair. For the record, I am having an incredible hair day and I almost never put boxers over my jeans anymore.
I considered putting an embarrassing picture of me up from 10th grade in which I a) had braces b) had green hair c) had Scoobies over my jeans and d) was pretending to pee on a fire hydrant. Thank God I deleted everything on my computer last week.
On to the pressing issues of the day.
A. Aquino, an Emma loyalist who accompanied me to a Howard Dean rally attended by about 300 people in October 2003, dedicated one of her blog entries to talking the smack on Bush's Supreme Court nominee, John G. Roberts. I often agree with this witty Filipino, but not this time. Here is a picture of the judiciary studmuffin:

Drool me an ocean of litigation.
I got into a fight yesterday with someone who shall remain anonymous. We will call him...the guy in the Bible with the ark, who happens to be an insane Socialist and eats menses for breakfast, but that is moot. Anyway. He kept me on the phone for half an hour yesterday saying that I was a neocon for supporting Roberts' nomination, which then resulted in me MISSING the free sneak preview of Werner Herzog's "Grizzly Man." I am understandably upset, as it is not every day that you have the opportunity to watch a documentary in which a batshit hippie gets eaten by bears. I can only think of about five movies where that happens...or desperately wanted it to happen. (i.e. Newsies, Terminator 3, Milo and Otis, The Lost Boys and Xanadu)
So let me explain why I, as an incredibly badass moderate Democrat who would like someone to buy me a "Cliche Guevara" shirt for my birthday, believe that John Roberts is amazingness.
1. Bush could have selected a Nazi for shits and giggles.
You've got a guy in the White House who wants to have people on the Court 30 years from now that are still mimicing his belief system. He's got a majority in the Senate, and a whole bunch of real hard asses at that. He could have gotten Jeffrey Dahmer confirmed. If Mr. Dahmer was a pro-life Republican, but I have to say that I have seen no evidence to conclude that Jeffrey Dahmer would have been too keen on repealing a baby killing statute. It would not have been a smart pick.

I heart Roe v. Wade.
Is it just me or does Jeffrey Dahmer look a LOT like Chris Martin? Hmm.
2. He would be the first Supreme Court justice confirmed who did not look like a paper bag/wrinkly old man ass.
This is much more important than you think. A hot Justice will inspire more interest in the judicial process. Isn't national interest what this is all about anyway? And bedding hot judges?
3. He was involved in litigation involving a french fry.
A lot of anti-John Roberts people keep screaming that he supported the police in Washington who arrested a 12-year-old girl for eating a french fry in a metro station. This case baffles me, as I did not know it was illegal to eat french fries in metro stations until Weenie Brian told me. You learn something every day. For the record, Roberts was not happy about the fact that this girl was arrested and booked, but he ruled on some legal technicality upholding the Constitution or whatnot. Big deal. He didn't even write the fucking opinion on it.
4. Nobody knows his position on abortion and it's completely irrelevent anyway.
There are five Supreme Court justices still on the bench who publicly support uphold Roe v. Wade. People that tell you that John Roberts is going to make abortions illegal don't know what they're talking about. Wait till Rehnquist retires. Then you might have a case. However, Roberts has never actually said he's against Roe v. Wade. He made a statement on behalf of Bush 41's administration in which he said it should be repealed, but that's not the same thing as say he wanted it personally repealed. Secondly, he's on record as saying that Roe v. Wade is the law of the land and he would abide by that. So chill out on the abortion talk. The guy is incredibly well-spoken and intellegient. I heart him.
And for the record, I am pro-choice, but going home and seeing dumb bitches getting eight or nine abortions because they don't believe in birth control is not exactly reenforcing my opinion.
I feel I've been moderately mature for far too long. It's time for the top ten list of the greatest movie soundtracks of all time.

The guy from Doogie Howser is in this movie. For a long time i thought the guy that played DJ's boyfriend on "Full House" was in it too, but I was wrong. Fucking "Seize the Day" is one of the greatest songs ever. And "The World Will Know" is the official campaign song for my 2020 Presidential bid, even though I don't think the Russian likes it too much. I refused to even consider Tatu.

If you're raising your eyebrows and going, "Oh Christ, Emma picked one of those dippy critically acclaimed prententious fests again," think again. Fucking YANNI does the music for the sex scene. And there's oodles of drums and stuff. And there's a guy named Duncan that gets burned at the stake by Mohawks. Find me a better movie.

That picture kills me. All of D. B. Bogangles' stuffed animals look like that. And she makes them talk to me on a regular basis. Anyway, this BARELY beats out the Lion King because it has Billy Joel, New Yorkness everywhere and the distinction of being the second movie I have ever seen. Ever. I cried in theaters and had to be taken out when Oliver's cardboard box disintegrated.

Okay, so adult Simba is KIND of hot. I admit it. But he lacks Mufasa Nobility. Anyway, if Disney had released this soundtrack with just the ninth track, "The King of Pride Rock," that would have been enough. If "The World Will Know" is my official campaign song, "The King of Pride Rock" would be playing at my inauguration. Lest I forget - PREPUBESCENT JTT!!
I'm not putting a picture because it means promoting Tobey Maguire, and I'm not all about that. Besides the soundtrack being INCREDIBLE, Ann Coulter can't stand this movie and has actually dedicated a section of her book to its horrid pro-abortion messages. Anything that gets Ann frothing is entertaining and ergo amazing.
Tomorrow will be the continuation of the list, as well as rebuttals from anyone who dares to oppose my opinions on John Roberts. Eat a bag of dicks, preferably herpes-infested ones.


At 3:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a hippie in Xanadu?


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