I Like Two People From Illinois.

As an upstanding citizen, I am admitting to a journalistic mistake in my last entry. I incorrectly stated that Abbi hailed from Ohio when she actually came from Illinois. I have changed the misinformation. In my defense, I think that whole fucking area is pretty much the same all the way to the Rockies, so the boo-boo was bound to happen sooner or later. And of course, as Abbi mentioned, Illinois is the home of Badass Clintonista of my Heart. Swoon.

To make up for my transgression, and because my friends are horrid and lack the maturity to actually blog, Abbi has been invited as a correspondant. This immediately makes Weenie Enema higher quality, though still reeking of profanity-laced wonderment.

Now, I am NOT pleased that the New York Post, the singularly greatest piece of orgasmic journalism, was unfairly disparaged in the previous entry. To substantiate my point, I give you a select group of Post covers:


So so true. The French are good for absolutely nothing but bulldogs and crepes.


It evokes so many emotions, mainly the ones concerning chortling and snickering.

I wish they still had Alexander Hamilton on their cover. That's really my only beef.
As an aside, how HOT is Tom Brokaw?


I have apparently developed a reputation of starting countdowns and not finishing them. This is heinously untrue. Announcing the Best Fucking Movies. Ever.

10. Starship Troopers

It has horrid dialogue. Denise Richards never learned how to act. Casper Van Dien's jaw takes up the whole screen, though it is chiseled incredibleness. The plot is cheesier than Fishies. And yet. There are at least 12,000 bug things that explode with green shit exploding out of their corpses. Doogie Howser turns into a Nazi. It's so much better than the book, though I am the only person I know that thinks that. Legitimately the most fun you will ever have watching a movie. Oh, and some guy gets his brains sucked out. Literally.

Bug plasma!

Denise Richards + automatic weapon = green shit coming out of bugs.

9. On the Waterfront

Marlon is really hot when he plays adulterous Polish wife beaters. He's even hotter when he pretends to be a former boxer that clicks beer mugs with Eva Marie-Saint and says, "Dink." I'm not going to mention the Contender speech. It rules, everyone knows that. And it's the only time I can think of where you can legitmately say that Rod Steiger is hot. Well, duh. He's supposed to be related to Marlon. And there are pigeons! Oodles of them! <3


What a sweetie bojangle. If he was canine-like, he would be a pug, no question.

How dumb do you have to be to point ANYTHING at Marlon Brando?

Streetcar could have been on the list, it's equally as badass. However, I felt that there could only be one Marlon movie here, as it would just get redundant. Same thing with the Arnold movies. I could have listed 4 or 5 Arnold pictures, but I'm being courteous.

8. To Kill A Mockingbird

God. Damn. I hate Southern accents, I really do. I think they subtract 20 or 30 points off your IQ. The one exception is this movie. It's apparently okay if you're six and living in a pastoral Alabama town. Gregory Peck is the only person I have ever seen with the ability to make you want to jump him and make him adopt you simultaneously. Most importantly, this is the ONLY only ONLY movie where Robert Duvall is hot. I think Boo Radley is supposed to be disabled, but Robert makes him sexy.

I just passed out. Boo!

This is a cat named Boo Radley. OH MY GOD. Do you remember in The Babysitters Club that Watson Brewer had that fucking psycho cat named Boo-boo? Did I manage to have the word 'boo-boo' in this entry twice under entirely different circumstances? I rule.
7. A Beautiful Mind

Russell Crowe is incredible. He may indeed be deranged/angry/cunty when the camera turns off, but when that bitch is on dot dot dot. Gladiator could have made it on here, except that Russell doesn't trim his armpit hair and it looks like there are squirrel tails under his arms.

There will literally never be another moment in time where math will turn me on.

He makes my heart melt. I pledge undying allegience to the Aussie of my Inner Crevices.

6. The Bodyguard

Fuck you all. This thing is amazing and I could watch it forever and a day. Best Kevin Costner movie, although Waterworld puts up a fight. Yeah, Whitney's playing herself, but she does it so well. I saw this when I was seven in theaters, and I turned to my dad and asked what ejaculation meant. It was a turning point in my life.


...Is his penis on fire? Why isn't he upset? I don't understand. Frown.


I wouldn't sleep with him, but I would not opposed to him protecting me with his life.

5. In the Bedroom

I'm baffled why nobody has heard of this. It's so fucking intense. I can't actually say anything about the plot except that Sissy Spacek bitch slaps Marisa Tomei. I don't know what it is about movies that take place in Maine, but they basically all rock. Except for the weird Stephen King adaptations. Shiver.

Nick Stahl went from The Man Without A Face to The Man who Got his Yellow Testicles Ripped off in Sin City to The Man Who Diddles Marisa Tomei's Bread Box. Kudos.

I heart Tom Wilkinson. Except when he's trying to rape Scarlet Johansson.

4. My Girl

We've broken into the Top 4, which means that the tearjerkers are coming up in force. Although I cried during...all of the other movies except for On the Waterfront. Hmm. This may be too much of a trend to ignore. Anyway, Macauley Culkin has forever ruined bee hives and mood rings for me, and Dan Ackroyd delivers the line of his career: "...There were just too many of them." God. I need to finish this before I start wailing.

"Will you think of me? You know, if you don't get to marry Mr. Bixler."
I'm a mess.

3. Last of the Mohicans

Quality. This movie has everything you could ask for: Yanni music, Daniel Day-Lewis in heat, historical fiction and tomahawks everywhere. Find me a more gorgeous movie. I dare you. And wouldn't you know it - the French end up fucking shit up. In a bad way.

Dov'e the Indians who are trying to gut us?

I think Madeline Stowe found them.
So good. I knew this girl who's a total cunt who said it's violent. She doesn't get "it."

2. Terminator 2: Judgement Day

To explain why my writing has deteriorated throughout this countdown, I offer you a story. I have a Stud Notebook. Malsta Coppenrath put in two studs. One was a guy from the band Thursday, the other was John Cusack. The entry for the guy from Thursday was coherent and well-written. The one for Mr. Cusack deteriorated rapidly after two lines and just involved her writing "Fuck me, John" over and over again. Love makes writers illiterate. Or something.
Badass. noun. state of being. terminator 2.
There is absolutely nothing bad about this movie. Arnold's lacking acting skills find their niche in an emotionally devoid robot. The script is incredible, and if anyone tells you that it's an action film, they deserve to be strung and quartered. This is a drama about humanity. Or lack thereof. Best movie ever. Wait, I thought there was one more spot left? Oh, indeed there is. However, that movie is about the senses, this is rational love and respect. Somebody needs to get me the DVD. My video is warped from repeated playings since 1991.

"I am a cyborg. Living tissue over metal endoskeleton."

"I know now why you cry, but it is something that I can never do."
Sigh of happiness.

1. Beaches

If there was any doubt that I am the most predictable thing this side of Roseanne, this should end the speculation. If you took the tears I have shed as a direct result of this movie, you would have 53 gallons. My best friend in high school looked exactly like the girl who ends up dying, so there's probably some intense emotional shizzle behind this choice, but it doesn't take away from the fact that this is the only movie that I can watch with Bette Midler.

Laugh now, you're going to get cardio myopathy, mother fucker.