Thursday, August 18, 2005

Flabby Pooper-Lover Bands: Exposed.

As often happens with people diagnosed with faux ADD, I deserted my blog several weeks ago to do more important things, like move to a non-NYU neighborhood, stalk Robert Sean Leonard and orgasm on the street at the gorgeous chocolate puggies that have started to take over the world. These are all good things, but a COMPLETE stranger messaged me last night and complained that I haven't updated, so clearly my Word is spreading and it's only fair that I get back into the game since August is such a slow news month and all.
My chum/co-conspirator/badass partner in transcribing crime inadvertantly got my wheels spinning this week over a topic that was LITERALLY everywhere but no one wanted to say anything because it was clearly one of those awkward, neck-rubbing situations. Of course, I am referring to the Age of the Boy Band, a period of time that roughly began in the summer of 1998 and died when Avril, of all people, showed the world that you can play an instrument and write a song - all by yourself! I would also argue that if Britney hadn't gotten knocked up by trailer trash, she would still be right up there, but she was more of a boy band whore than a prototype of the era. I digress.
I have several photos for close study. Gaze at each one carefully.
The first one is the only exception to my theory, but it's not entirely a loss.

This is, of course, the Backstreet Boys, the group that started the inanity. Which might not be a word. Shrug. Look at the pectorals for as long as you need to. Based on Mr. Carter's straw mop top, I would put that around the release of either, "Quit Playing Game With My Heart" or "As Long As You Love Me." Before anyone starts pointing the finger at me, these were ALL on the fucking radio and I was still losing to mainstream shit at the time, so don't you dare attack me on this one. I will roast you.

The next band is an important one:

This is NSync back when they all looked like they were seven and the victims of a child pornographer. Notice that only two of the boys have tanktops on - the ones with defineable muscle, Justin and JC. It's also not a coincidence that these were the two that went on to forge solo careers of some sort. Don't give me that shit about Joey Fat One and his Rent debut. Big deal, it says nothing about his physique. That morbidly obese thing that got thrown off of American Idol was on that too.
However, it is VERY difficult to find a picture of Chris Kirkpatrick with his shirt off. Why? Because he's the gay flabby one. All of these bands are meticulously cultivated to give girls a wide variety of options in case 80% of the group doesn't turn on the prepubescent vaginal juices. What they don't tell you is that the people that create these bands are fully aware of the fact that teenage boys still in the closet love boy bands too, so they stick a fey one in there to shake shit up. The Backstreet Boys' example would be A.J. He's not flabby, probably because they were the first boy band and were still working out the kinks. When he starts fucking with his facial hair, that's basically the equivalent of growing a set of bitch tits. So if you're counting, we have unmasked Chris and A.J. On to the next one.

What's this? 8-pack, 8-pack, 8-pack, Justin? 98 Degrees is probably the most obvious example, the gay one with the bleached hair and goatee is so blatantly not as fit as the other three that it's just painful to watch. Think about it. Did you ever know a girl that had a crush on him? Unlikely. I knew a wench in high school that had a crush on Chris Kirkpatrick, but she was also in love with this:

He looks like a Romulan crossed with a dog. An ugly dog.
Last one.
Which one is the girl?

Trick question. It's the only all-girl boy band to ostensibly fool the world. Even my father bought the single "MMMbop" (back when they sold singles) because he thought "the girls on the cover were hot). Ew. Every girl I know that had a crush on Taylor ended up being a lesbian. How pathetically obvious.

"I heart Hanson!"
I have just been informed that I will be attending the showing of the best movie of the year, Grizzly Man, tonight. Anything with bear maulings has to be right up there with Skippy Peanut Butter and Arnold Schwarzenegger's circumcised penis. Haha, I jest. Austrians don't cut off the foreskin.


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