Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Rabbis Can Be Adulterers Too. (And Rabbis Looks Like Rabies.)

Our first non-Emma adulterer has been processed, and it's a doozy. It's from one of my close chums from Italy, who has requested that her name not be included in this because she's embarrassed and something like this could ruin her political career. Since my life is already in tatters, I have no problem with associating my name with the project. Emma = adultery experiment. Anyway, my friend decided to use the name "Simone," for reasons unbeknownst to me. I'd like to think it's because it was the name of Winona's last movie before she went apeshit, but I am not presumptuous enough to truly believe this.

What a badass movie, truly unappreciated in its time.
The adulterer I chose for Simone was the guy that sent me a message entitled "You've Got Male." It killed me. His screenname was eyes4ewe2, which impressed me because it reminded me of the secret chant that the sheep use in Babe. I used it as a campaign slogan in my ill-fated Student Council run back in the day, and it may have been a tactical misjudgement.
He wrote:
Hello! I'm a 42 y.o. MWJM living and working in NYC. I'm honest, sincere, funny, and sweet. A business Ph.D., I'm 5'10", 150, brown/hazel, olive complexion. Romantically, I'm affectionate (love kissing), passionate, adaptive, and attentive. Want to correspond? Drop me a line!
My friend, being from the land of Kunie-Pie aka NonGenital Gandhi, felt the olive complexion somehow meant that he was Indian. I would associate an olive color with nicotine-stained teeth, but maybe that's just me.
Also, NO, YOU ARE NOT HONEST. What kind of clittoral cheese-eating fuckstick would write on an ADULTERY Web site that they're honest??? You cheat on your wife! Give it up.

If you'll recall, I allowed all of my friends tremendous leeway in regards to their story pitch. Perhaps I should not have done that:

Well Marc-

Thanks for responding so quickly. I have been rather busy with certain obligations these past few days. I apologize for the delay. It warms my heart that you are so eager to intiate a correspondance. Well, playing on the football team and publishing are rather impressive. Where have you traveled? Where would you like to travel? I, myself, have been all around the world and traveling is one of my favorite past times as well. My father was a member of the foreign service. Thus, I grew up in places such as Cairo, Hong Kong, and Sydney. I spent the last two years of my high school in Geneva and then came back to the United States to go to university. I was able to finish my schooling, with a BA in business pyschology from Duke. However, that is where my life erupted. I met a handsome man at the Tribeca Grand while in New York visiting family shortly after graduation. He swept me off my feet and we got married in a mere span of 2 months. There is nothing he deprived me of and still does not, except for you know what I mean.....Regardless, I am lonely and live alone most of the time. He is often away on "business" and too busy for me. All he cares about is his family business. I do not even have the liberty of working since he is rather traditional and looks down upon that. I am wondering what has brought you to this site? What is your story? What type of humour do you have? I would also like to see a picture. Please write back at your convience. Ciao ciao
I love this. Both the B.A. at Duke and the Tribeca Grand comments killed me. It's practically ripped out of a Jackie Collins novel, and yet Marc was not dissuaded:

Hi, Simone! As requested, attached is my pic-- hope you like it. Do you have one yourself?

I have travelled most of the east and west coast, the southwest, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Bahamas, and France. I would like to visit more of Europe. Regarding humor, I wrote for my college humor magazine and had a stint as a stand up while in college and continue to have a quick wit, knowing a joke on practically every subject. The reason I am at the site/ my story is that my wife has a medical condition that precludes us from being intimate often.

What else would you like to know about me?


Did I NOT call the sick wife theory?? I RULE. Also, who says they know a joke on every subject? That's even sicker than adultery. I know lots of Helen Keller and dead baby jokes, but I certainly couldn't tell you a joke about...a tree. Actually, I probably could, but it wouldn't be very good slash funny.

I have a picture of Marc, but I went on paint and got a little nutty. He gives off a rabbi vibe like the wolf.

Hah, I put an E on his forehead. For Emma. I was going to put an A, but I thought that would be too pretentious/cliche. Pearl Prynne <3.
Keep the adulterers coming in, I know Malsta's is going to be great. I won't spoil what I already know about this.


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