Friday, August 19, 2005

If I Had A Million Dollars I Would Buy Prescription Meds from Eminem and Use Them to Drug Bruce Springsteen and Have My Way With Him.

We are sad to report that Eminem has entered drug rehab. In other news, the world is round and I tried to steal seven puggies today. I will NEVER understand why its considered newsworthy when a rapper or Mariah is treated for a drug dependency. Do people not read their lyrics? These artists are releasing singles with names like "I Passed Out in an Opium Den Last Night and Woke Up to Find A Homeless Man's Toothless Mouth On Me...Down There," and yet it's breaking news when it turns out that the songs have a grain of truth to them. I don't like ragging on my BFF, but Winona's best performance was a clinically depressed borderline personality-inflicted nutjob for a reason.

Dear Eminem, you are not black. I'm missing skin pigments and I'm blacker than you.

There are two pieces of huge news to report. The first is that I just successfully downloaded the ringtone for "Dancing in the Dark," and I plan on turning the lights off and bopping around to it because I'm amazing. The second is actually legitimate news that I have only been able to find in the NY Post.
A posh eatery in New Jersey thought it would be fun to write "Jew Couple" on the bill of...a Jewish couple. This story had me baffled for several reasons. One, this wasn't like some deranged waiter took a pen and quickly scribbled that down on the receipt before handing it to the couple, it was actually an official way for the restuarant to identify them on the bill. Secondly, did the restaurant not think the people were going to LOOK at their bill? I have been to dinner with some really wacked out people, but all of them have looked at their bill to see if they got overcharged for their burger. I'm still trying to figure out why you would even bother putting that on there. It really serves no legitimate purpose. The only thing that makes even vague sense is if the server was trying to warn...themselves that these people might not tip as much as other people? Clearly, I am going to have to visit this place and check the scene out. Who wants to go?
As if that wasn't crazy enough, a woman came forward yesterday with her own receipt that she had kept for a year that referred to her as "Dirty Joanne" on it. That's not even much of an insult, but maybe it just depends on who you direct it at. If I got a bill and it said something like "Smelly Emma," I would laugh, because I obviously smell amazing, and the server would get a $0.15 tip. There are ways to combat such things. Hell, I might even tip them a little extra for reminding me of several playground brawls back in the early 90s. All of which I won.

Time for a Sex God Photo Montage:

I heart Brucie.

I just made a mess down there.

Ah, lest we forget that I saw cinematic greatness in the form of a man cradling bear shit last night, cooing, "This came from a bear butt!" If anyone is familiar with the inner workings of one Devra Bogangles, I don't think I even have to tell you how much she enjoyed that moment. Grizzly Man should not be seen without your teddy bear. Not...that I brought Big Bear to the Angelika...Um. Yeah. OOh look! 50 Cent just got shot again!


At 4:30 AM, Blogger Bud Wiser said...

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