Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Our First Philanderer!

As several of my close comrades know, the philanderer.com episode has morphed into a groundbreaking sociological experiment involving multiple participants, and one Crazy Mego. The plan is simple. I have created this profile:
Nickname: BornToRide
City: New York
State/Province: New York
Country: United States
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)
Religion: None/Agnostic
Language: English
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Body Type: Athletic
Height: 5'8"(173cm)
Relationship Type Seeking: Sexual Encounters
Marital Status: Married
Wassup Down There?: Always Shaved
What I'm Looking For: Someone willing to leave his inhibitions at the door. I need someone intelligient and confident who will seduce me on the first date.
Interests: rock climbing, backgammon, water sports, long passionate nights, fast cars, high rollers, illicit affairs

Now, if a 45-year-old unhappily married man doesn't bite at the young, athletic, bald pussy thing, I know not how to rope in desperate old people. However, responses have not been a problem, my inbox was full within a few hours. I have given each of my loyal friends who have questionable morals an adulterer to converse with. Crazy Mego, being...Crazy Mego, has agreed to go out on a date with one "if they're hot." Our mission is threefold: we want to have a consistent dialogue with these people, that is coherent and intelligient. It does no one any good to exchange emails going 'I want your cock in my hole, blah blah blah!' Believe it or not, we are rising above that. Lastly, we're trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with these people. Clearly, this experiment is flawed in multiple ways. It's the Internet, anything goes. And we're not qualified psychologists. We're assuming EVERYTHING.

My first adulterer experiment is named "Lester." I doubt this is his real name, as the pictures he sent me were under the file name "Phil," but lets just assume it's legit. I'm not going to post his face, because there's probably some sort of law I'm breaking by doing that, so don't think I got all moral, I just like bending over to pick up my shower soap in peace.
This is Lester:

If there's anyone from high school that reads this, his face basically looks like Jen Eannucci's dad if he was black and an adulterer.
Anyway, Lester originally wrote me under the name "BXCHICO", saying
Just to say hello. I don't know if I fit the bill, but I am inviting you to look at my ad.
According to his profile, Lester is 46, lives in the Bronx and is Catholic. Oh yeah, and he's married.
So I wrote him an email:
Hey Les,
I'm glad you wrote me back so quickly, at least it
shows you're a little interested. I guess I should
give you a little background on my own situation. I
know that if I were you and got involved with a random
person from the Internet, I wouldn't want to end up
with some wacko with huge emotional problems. I got
married to my boyfriend from high school, which was
probably a mistake. I think I did it because it was
convenient more than anything else, but when the dust
settled, I was with someone incapable of being mature
who didn't care about anyone but himself. I certainly
don't need to know the intimate details of your life,
but what was the broad reason that you decided to take
this kind of action? Hope to hear from you soon.

God, I am such a bitch. I should mention that all of my loyal participants can make up whatever story they want, as long as its remotely plausible.
Lester wrote back with this:

Hey Emily,
Thanks for letting me know that you aren't a "Psycho". Lord knows I deal with enough psychopathology in my job. I'm actually a Psychiatric Nurse that works with a patient population that have major psychiatric disorders as well as addictions to drugs, alcohol, or prescription medications. But that's another conversation.
To answer your question regarding the reason that I've chosen this course of action is alittle more complicated. My wife is significantly older than I am. She's 14 years older to be precise (she'll be 61 in December). She was always full energy and looked younger than her age. Even with all of that I always had a stronger libido than she did. If we made love and I asked if she were ready to go again she would laugh at me or ask me if I were crazy. Several years ago my wife became ill and while she has recovered from her illness she has never been the same energy-wise. The loss of energy and stamina from the illness coupled with the fact that she has been unfortunate enough to experience most of the worst symptoms associated with menopause (hot flashes, depression, decreased self-esteem, hair loss, decreased libido) has done nothing to enhance our sex life. Being the type of person that I am I would never place sexual demands upon her. So, I love my wife, but as the kids say, "I'm not feelin'" my sex-life. I have alot of energy and alot of affection to share. Consequently, I would like to find someone with whom I can be discreetly intimate. I don't want to ever hurt my wife or my family. I hope that you can understand where I'm coming from.

I found this email intriguing on a number of levels. First, I was mildly impressed that I got anything literate in return. I was expecting some sex dream involving a chastity belt and a dog named Lulu. Secondly, the story behind his being on the site is inherently sympathetic, which actually doesn't surprise me that much. Going under the assumption that it's true, it's almost understandable that he would be looking for 24-year-old poon. Was any of it true? Damned if I know. I'm going to be very interested to see what other people get in their responses. The sick old wife story is a good one, and I suspect it will come up multiple times. If anyone wants to participate in our adultery study, let me know. I have adulterers galore.


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