Saturday, September 17, 2005

I Haven't Cried That Much in Theaters Since Arnold Died As a Human for the First Time in End of Days.

There are a select group of movies with predictable plotlines that pander to the inner child that used to get picked on mercilessly in elementary school and hasn't gotten a suitable opportunity to release the frustration of having no friends in first grade because they licked a tree on a dare and were considered mentally ill. That movie is "Just Like Heaven." Now, I LOVED this movie. If you're in a receptive mood, this shit will tear you up inside and make one Jocelyn very uncomfortable next to you. Reese is her majestic self, Mark Ruffalo is even better. There's also a plot twist that the critics managed to avoid writing about, which is totally badass. It's like when...that thing happens to Hilary Swank in "Million Dollar Baby." I could prattle on endlessly about this, but it's going to become garbled and incoherent, so it's time to go back to the overrated movie countdown.

This scene KILLED me. I was sobbing everywhere.

6. Chicago.
What colossal SHIT. I considered boycotting the Oscars after this putrid year, because there were so many fucking movies better than this piece of rectal tissue. Lets review: The Hours. Incredibleness. Put Meryl Streep in a movie with a non-dingo, and she's majesty bojangles. The Two Towers. My favorite part of the LOTR trilogy, except for the part where Viggo jumps off the ghost ship in Return of the King and is all, 'yearrrrrrgggg!' I would even say that "Gangs of New York" was better than "Chicago," and I hated that. But at least that has good performances and the manure-filled New York streets that "Newsies" was clearly lacking. About Schmidt. Adaptation. Far From Heaven. Which I didn't really like that much, but I am always amused when Julianne Moore makes the same movie five times in a row. Road to Perdition. Catch Me if You Can. My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Minority Report. If I had been in any of those movies that got shirked, I would have sued someone. It wouldn't have even had to be the Academy, just a random celebrity would have been fine. I'd sue Kevin Kline.
Anyway, why does Chicago suck the hard one? First of all, it's boring. I fell asleep. It's dumb, someone needs to tell Richard Gere that he serves a much more significant purpose if he just hangs out in Tibet instead of appearing in movies not named American Gigolo. I'm not going to even get started on Renee. Suffice to say that Devra and I were in a cab two days ago and heard about the annullment and chortled for half a block.

How does anyone find that attractive? I think I saw her on David the Gnome rubbing noses with someone.

7. Spiderman 2.
Everywhere I fucking look: four stars, two thumbs up, incredible, blah blah blah. I HATED the Spiderman movies. This is not a bias toward comic book adaptations. Occasionally, they get them right. Like the first two Batmans. Or Sin City. Actually...that might be it. I'm still trying to figure out what the appeal was for people. Tobey Maguire? Ew. Kirsten Dunst looks like she doesn't brush her teeth. The only crotch-tingling thing in this movie is James Franco, who is in the Stud Book, and he's in this thing for maybe 10 minutes. I guess it's the whole, oh, Spiderman is imperfect and clinically depressed thing. But...that's depressing, not cinematic mastery. I'm sorry, a movie is not good because there are five-minute montages where a vegan is swinging from building to building. Ugh.

You almost ruined 'The Cider House Rules,' you dumb cunt.

This is getting me angry, I'm postponing the rest of the list while I stalk some basenjis.

Haha, he looks like Tobey Maguire.

That reminds me, Devra and I are going to be Sacco and Vanzetti for Halloween, so if you have any Italian anarchy thingies, that would be appreciated to some extent.

Something tells me I know who's going to wear the mustache.


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