Who Says Watching People With Syphilis Isn't Rewarding?

I need to set the stage for this:
I'm on my futon with my raggedy universe pajama pants and equally decrepit shirt on. Bruce Springsteen's critically-acclaimed Album of Amazingness with the picture of his ass on the cover is playing. Devra and I are sending each other links from the nasty 'casual encounters' section from Craigslist and constantly iming back and forth with, 'Well, look at THIS penis!" Big Bear (who still has a Hershey Chocolate stain on his left leg from the night I slept in chocolate) is sitting next to me. I smell amazing. Most importantly, Episode 21 of Season 2 of SVU is on in the background. The phone rings.
Emma: Yeah?
Michelle: Emma, you're not going to believe this! Do you want to talk to Mariska Hargitay???
Emma: Wha? [casts suspicious glance at TV, where Mariska's really giving it to someone in the interrogation room]
Michelle: We're in Brooklyn and they're filming at the Bedford Ave. subway stop. Do you want to talk to her??
Emma: I believe none of this.
Michelle: One sec. [in distance, "Excuse me, will you talk to my friend for a second? She's a huge fan." "Sure, what's her name?" (CLEARLY Mariska's voice) "Emma."]
Mariska Hargitay: Hey Emma, it's Detective Benson. [first of 24 platonic orgasms]
Emma: You're not going to believe this, but I'm seriously watching the syphilis episode from Season 2.
Mariska Hargitay: No way! That's crazy!
Emma: Dead serious.
Mariska Hargitay: That's really great, but they're about to yell 'Action!' so I have to go. Have a great night and God bless.
Emma: Thanks, same to you.

...and then I died.

When Michelle's birthday rolls around, I'm getting her a naked and drugged Gavin Rossdale. Yeah, what NOW, Gwen Stefani?

"Don't look at me, I'm just a girl!"
Douche.
Back to the matter at hand. I talked to Mariska. On the phone. We are clearly soulmates, and this was the first of MANY conversations we will have.
Sigh of happiness.

Lost in my pleasurable celebrity sexathon is oodles of amazing news.

1. The guy the RNC got to run against Robert Byrd isn't a fellow Klansman...but he WAS in prison in the early 1990s.

You've got to think that it's not that hard to find someone who legally resides in West Virginia who has a more reputable past than Robert Byrd. Shrug. You got me.

He looks like one of the Founding Fathers, but damned if I know which one. A chunky John Hancock?

2. The forgotten middle child from Full House is on meth.


How great is that bear in the background? I totally agree with his pillow, too. Is there anyone that wants to argue that taking crystal meth hits doesn't speak louder than, 'Daaaad, Uncle Jesse and Michelle are doing something bad in my bedroom with Mr. Goodbrush!'
That will never NOT be funny.
Just the same, we wish Stephanie Tanner the best. If there's anybody that understands how the inane dialogue she was spewing every Tuesday at 8 was a death sentence, it's every girl from my generation. We're rooting for you, et cetera.

3. Oprah finally grew a pair.

The world knows of my pure hatred for Oprah. I think she's a giant cuntsack with too much time and money on her hands. Every time she gains back the 100 pounds and wonders how it happened (and, of course, claiming it was her self-esteem issues etc., which is not necessarily UNtrue) no one ever tells her it's because she has billions of dollars and tapes about 7 shows a year. There's a reason why the robber barons were all mordibly obese except for J.P. Morgan. But he has a bulbuous nose.
Anyway, she finally admitted she was wrong about something, handing pathological liar/Jodie Sweetin drug partner James Frey his ass on a plate. Glorious. No word yet on when or if she's ever going to apologize to the millions of people who bought the Toni Morrison books she promoted. Eh, you can't win them all.

"I only recommend books if they let me star in the film adoptation with Danny Glover."

4. The Canadians made up for their uselessness by electing the hottest man to ever serve office in any country ever.

Hotter than Woodrow Wilson? Hell yes.


I am now going to watch SVU slash Mariska for the rest of my life. Mariska montage!





"Detective Stabler, specially victimize me with your unit."

In Which A Crude Analysis of the Golden Globe Predications Takes Place. And There Might Be An Ariel Sharon Update.

Michelle has decided to quit the livejournal game, which is definitely to Weenie Enema's benefit, as she plans to write fairly consistently during the Torino Olympics and whatnot. We equal excited.

Now, I was pretty blogged out after that insane entry I did last week for the Golden Globes preview, so I took one in a series of unannounced sabbaticals, but I am back per sempre.

Since the Golden Globes are history and the much more important colossal stupendousness of the Oscars is almost upon us, I will make my recap as brief as can be done, under the circumstances.

The party was clearly more of a success than anything that went down at that cesspool last Monday. I had about a 50% success rate, but Heath and Michelle went home Globeless, and no one got really drunk and made an ass of themselves like Sharon Stone did a few years ago. The most cringe-inducing moment came before the Awards even started, when Nancy O'Dell asked Hilary Swank how Chad Lowe was doing. Ouch. Does she not read page 666? Shrug.


RIP.

However, we thank everyone that attended the festivities, especially since the said party was relocated 80 blocks north. If that's not loyalty to us, it's at least a strong desire to sup on our Upper East pizza and make fun of Jamie Foxx's head tattoo.


The two most expendable people on the face of the planet.

See? I told you I would be brief. I am nothing if not honest and tactless.

Oh, and I've decided to add an Ann Coulter segment every week, which will merely include what I deem to be her most amusing quote from her batshit column. This week's column was about my BFF:

As Hillary explained, the House "has been run in a way so that nobody with a contrary view has had a chance to present legislation, to make an argument, to be heard."

Yes, that's what was really missing on plantations during the slavery era: the opportunity to present a contrary view. Gosh, if only the slaves had been allowed to call for cloture votes. What a difference that would have made!

Madam Hillary also said the Bush administration "will go down in history as one of the worst that has ever governed our country." While Hillary is certainly qualified to comment on what the all-time worst presidential administrations were, having had firsthand experience in one of them, I think she might want to avoid the phrase "go down in history."

Heh. On an unrelated note, several of us will be following her home from Fox News next week with tear gas to disprove the theory that she is unable to cry. We'll have that crazy bulemic sobbing in seconds. I kid because I <3.

The Ariel Sharon Update.
Ariel is still alive, and his vital signs went apeshit last week when someone in his hospital room mentioned his favorite food, which I can only assume has more calories than Lindsay Lohan has engulfed in two years. We will keep you posted on this story. His replacement, Ehud Olmert, looks like a coked out Vladimir Putin.



I'm sorry, that Russian is just hot.ru.

An Extensive Golden Globes Preview That Makes Up For Its Blatant Inaccuracies with Pictures of Sharpeis at the End.

You have no idea how lucky you are to be treated to such an extensive analysis for free. Seriously. By this time next year, I'll be a huge mega blogosphere star, and you'll have to pay $14 bucks a month to read my awe-inspiring thoughts. Don't let that depress you though, because this is the Official Weenie Enema Golden Globes Predictions.
Disclaimer - I have no idea what I'm talking about. My tastes are generally arbitrary, so if you try to profit from my wisdom you'll undoubtedly end up on the street in front of my bodega. That's on 2nd between 94th and 95th for the ignorant. Also, I haven't seen all of the movies and/or TV shows up for awards, so I usually concoct some dumb reason for voting for a particular nominee. On the other hand, I generally have around a 75% success rate with these things, and if there's someone REALLY bored out there, they should watch the Globes (preferably in my apartment) and compare the actual winners with my list. I'll probably do it myself on Tuesday in an entry titled 'I Rule At Making Golden Globe Predictions.'

I'm done boring you with the formalities. Prepare to be amazed.com.

1. BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Nominees:
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardener
Good Night, and Good Luck
A History of Violence
Match Point

Is this even close? Has anyone seen more than one or two of these movies? Come on.


Fucking incredibleness.

I really don't know why Munich isn't on here. I didn't bother writing up a review of that movie because it would have taken me forever, and I figured with my Ariel Sharon love fest, the world would OD on Israel. That's the only movie that comes close to Brokeback, and...I am really baffled by the rest of this list. I saw Good Night, and Good Luck, and it was very good, but it's no man-on-man wonderment. Has anyone seen this gardener thingy? I discounted that because Ralph Fiennes doesn't believe in having a name that sounds anything like it's spelled. If he had gone to court and had it legally changed to Ray or Rayph or however the hell you pronounce it, I would have considered it. Actually, that's a lie. It looks ridic. Viggo eats roadkill, and I'm still not willing to embrace Woody "Yellow Fever Old Creepy Man" Allen. Match Point could have been amazing, and it was like watching a dried-out flat version of Closer. If something else wins, I will quit Diet Pepsi for a week to be dramatic and lame - like whatever movie beat Brokeback.

2. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
Nominees:
Maria Bello - A History of Violence
Felicity Huffman - Transamerica
Gwyneth Paltrow - Proof
Charlize Theron - North Country
Ziyi Zhang -Memoirs of a Geisha

Alright, I haven't seen a single one of these. But again, this seems like a no-brainer to me.


Tranny love.

First of all, she's not Gwyneth. Gwyneth can seriously eat me. Or her kid can. Oh wait. Her kid IS a food. Badum ts. That inhuman wench deserves nothing ever. Charlize had her rape movie already. Is anyone else getting tired of her getting assaulted by men in her movies? And yes, I consider the flabby-titted Tobey Maguire sex scene in Cider House Rules an assault. I don't care about the existence of the geisha movie, and again, not supporting Viggo this year without the grizzled Aragorn beard. Felicity makes the Housewives good, and she deserves something for her troubles.

3. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA


The other nominees don't matter.



Sorry David Straithairn. You picked the wrong year to have your career highlight. The same can be said for Mr. Hoffman. But hey, I thought you should have picked up a Globe for Twister, so what do I know?

4. BEST MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
The Producers
The Squid and the Whale
Walk the Line

Something tells me that if I had actually seen it, I'd be voting for the Squid. That said, I don't have a clue who wins here, except it won't be The Producers. It can't be. It got 1 star from the Post.


Solidness. It's not easy to make an archaic Jane Austin movie entertaining, but it was done, and Keira gives a career-defining performance.

5. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Judi Dench - Mrs. Henderson Presents
Keira Knightley - Pride & Prejudice
Laura Linney - The Squid and the Whale
Sarah Jessica Parker - The Family Stone
Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line

I KNEW I would have to choose between Keira and Reese. For the record, both deserve it. SJP has no reason to be on this list except for the fact that they couldn't nominate Judi Dench twice because she was so fucking bad in Pride & Prejudice. And Laura Linney creeps me out.


Keira, it was close. I am way sorry. She did her own SINGING.

6. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE -MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Pierce Brosnan - The Matador
Jeff Daniels - The Squid and the Whale
Johnny Depp - Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Nathan Lane - The Producers
Cillian Murphy - Breakfast on Pluto
Joaquin Phoenix - Walk the Line

Are they really considering giving Johnny Depp an award for channeling Michael Jackson? If I drop a baby named Blanket off a German balcony, can I get one too?


The pill-popping got tedious, but if Johnny Cash had actually been hot...this is about as close as you could get. If I'm Ryan Phillipe, I'm just a LITTLE nervous right now.


7. BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Does anyone really care? Uh...how about Kong Fu Hustle? Inna liked that one. Good enough for me.


8. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
Scarlett Johansson - Match Point
Shirley MacLaine - In Her Shoes
Frances McDormand - North Country
Rachel Weisz - The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams - Brokeback Mountain

Without knowing my extensive background concerning one of these nominees, on paper, this looks like it's Scarlett's to lose. Completely untrue. She's very good in Match Point, but she's been significantly better in at least two other movies. It's irrelevent though, because Michelle Williams is all over this shit. She won it from the minute she saw Heath and Jake sucking face. Hell, she won this from the minute she walked out of the car and strolled over and introduced herself to Dawson Leery and an already jealous Joey Potter. She's getting the Oscar too.

"Heath, could you NOT put that in my back door?"
<3 mad love for Michelle.

9. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
George Clooney - Syriana
Matt Dillon - Crash
Will Ferrell - The Producers
Paul Giamatti - Cinderella Man
Bob Hoskins - Mrs. Henderson Presents


Wow. I humbly bow my head at the sheer talent in this category. However, Matt Dillon apparently didn't get the memo about how you're not allowed to get nominated for a Golden Globe if Denise Richards has outacted you in a movie before. In case you're wondering, that rule only applies to Matt Dillon and Casper Van Dien and his miniscule nipples. Jesting aside, I don't think it's fair to nominate anyone from a movie like Crash - each actor is in it for 10 minutes. "Wait!", you say. "Didn't Benecio get nominated and WIN for a movie that was very similar in structure?" That's totally true. The difference is that he was in Traffic for about 25 minutes and was much better than Matt Dillon was in Crash.
Bob Hoskins' nose and penis may get him the award, but it's not the kind of character that should really ensure anyone of a Globe. Will Ferrell is really annoying, despite anything Devra Bogangles tries to convince you of in a later post, so this is really between George and Paul. Insert Beatles joke.


They'll probably give it to him just for gaining 30 pounds. From the parts of this movie that I actually saw, I thought it was his best performance since Sisters.

I heart crappy quality Detective Falconer pictures.

10. BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
Woody Allen - Match Point
George Clooney - Good Night, and Good Luck
Peter Jackson - King Kong
Ang Lee - Brokeback Mountain
Fernando Meirelles - The Constant Gardener
Steven Spielberg - Munich


Alright, lets weed out the crap. Goodbye, Peter Jackson and your uncircumcised penis leech thingy crap movie. Goodbye, Woody and your wannabe Closer movie. Goodbye, Spanish director whom I have no interest in. George - I just gave you an award a category ago. So it's down to my two favorites of the year. Sigh.


Heh. It looks like Big Bear and Obi-Wan.

There were some incredible incredible INCREDIBLE shots in Munich with car windows. I am not the film scholar that Devra is, so I wouldn't know anything technical about a movie if it hit me in the face. But even I noticed how well this was shot. That's not to discredit Ang Lee and Brokeback. That stuff on the mountain is gorgeous, but I don't know how many props you give to someone for knowing the mountain is cool looking and pointing the camera at it.

11. BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
Nominees:
Woody Allen - Match Point
George Clooney & Grant Heslov - Good Night, and Good Luck
Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco - Crash
Tony Kushner & Eric Roth - Munich
Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana - Brokeback Mountain

I'm throwing Brokeback out immediately because the only reason the screenplay's any good is because of the book. If Annie Proulx was getting nominated, I'd reconsider this stance. The best lines in the movie come from the book - i.e. "I wish I knew how to quit you," "Gun's goin' off," and the incredible shirt scene:

The shirt seemed heavy until he saw there was another shirt inside it, the sleeves carefully worked down inside Jack's sleeves. It was his own plaid shirt, lost, he'd thought, long ago in some damn laundry, his dirty shirt, the pocket ripped, buttons missing, stolen by Jack and hidden here inside Jack's own shirt, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one. He pressed his face into the fabric and breathed in slowly through his mouth and nose, hoping for the faintest smoke and mountain sage and salty sweet stink of Jack but there was no real scent, only the memory of it, the imagined power of Brokeback Mountain of which nothing was left but what he held in his hands.

Exactly.
I'm completely convinced that Woody Allen disproved his thesis of "It's better to be lucky than good," so he's out of the running, as far as I'm concerned. Good Night, and Good Luck is probably the most intelligent script in that I was actually depressed watching that movie and thinking about how I didn't understand half of the complicated shizzle David Straithairn was spewing. But if this wins, Ann Coulter is going to write about 50 columns condeming the decision, and she can be put to better use aka making fun of Ted Kennedy.


Sorry. I am a sucker for those crazy time warp scripts that keep flipping back and forth until it takes you two hours to figure out how everything is intricately connected. So badass. Go Crash. And I am indebted to Paul Haggis for Million Dollar Baby.

12. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE - MOTION PICTURE

I almost took this category seriously. If this was 1991 and The Bodyguard soundtrack was up for something...
Wait. John Williams did Memoirs of a Geisha. He did Journey to the Island from Jurassic Park. There is my vote.

You can't see it in the picture, but B. D. Wong is totally next to them. So serious.

13. BEST ORIGINAL SONG - MOTION PICTURE


If you're genuinally upset that I don't give a shit, I don't know you. Clearly.


14. BEST TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Nominees:
Commander in Chief
Grey's Anatomy
Lost
Prison Break
Rome

Grey's Anatomy is the worst show in television now that Blind Justice got canceled. Rome...is on HBO and I know nothing about it. I could never fully enjoy Prison Break because I couldn't get that annoying thought out of my head that, once he breaks out, you don't have a show. Clearly, he has to break out. This isn't like Lost, where they could conceivably be on that island for 10 seasons. How long can he hang out in that prison hatching schemes with his dumb prison blueprint tattoo?


Great show. My bias is clear, but it's solid. Except for the casting of the daughter from Profiler. She needs to just STOP. Three days ago, Geena was butting heads with the North Koreans. Admittedly, this would be harder to love if I didn't know that I could catch House in the summer. House really should have been at least nominated.


15. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Nominees:
Patricia Arquette - Medium
Glenn Close - The Shield
Geena Davis - Commander in Chief
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer
Polly Walker - Rome

First...a moment of silence for someone who couldn't be here today because her show has become so putrid that the Foreign Press couldn't even acknowlege her blatant talent.


Such class. Such ability.

A grave injustice has been done here, and it doesn't matter who wins because they're not as good as the one that got omitted. It is with a heavy heart that I nominate what one soulless individual has referred to as "the Amazonian war princess who can't act."

Besides. Glenn Close is a man and is ergo not qualified for this specific category. Try number 16.

16. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - DRAMA
Nominees:
Patrick Dempsey - Grey's Anatomy
Matthew Fox - Lost
Hugh Laurie - House
Wentworth Miller - Prison Break
Kiefer Sutherland - 24

I refuse on principle to waste any space talking about any of these amateurs.


So many people have told me they don't even know what this show is. It's the best show on television. There is a sexual tension between Robert Sean "Dead Poet from Dead Poets Society" Leonard and Hugh Laurie that is wholly inappropriate and yet absolutely necessary. There are no words. If that cunt from Party of Five takes this home - armed insurrection dot net.


17. BEST TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Desperate Housewives
Entourage
Everybody Loves Chris
My Name is Earl
Weeds

What? Did someone actually think a show from UPN was funny? I know. I don't get it either. Somebody buy me Weeds because I think I'd like it. Since I don't KNOW I'd like it though, I'm going with those crazy cats on Wisteria Lane.


18. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Marcia Cross - Desperate Housewives
Teri Hatcher - Desperate Housewives
Felicity Huffman - Desperate Housewives
Eva Langoria - Desperate Housewives
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds

Eva Langoria can't act. 27 million people are witness to this every week. Talk about a pity vote.
The real question is whether to bestow Mary-Louise Parker, who won my heart as Brad Renfro's chain-smoking mom in The Client, with the honor of my prediction, or if I should give it to Felicity Huffman, just because the idea that the other Housewives will kill her if she wins two of those things amuses me so much.

I decided to give it to Felicity because she makes babies with William H. Macy. And he was in The Wool Cap, which has to be the best movie title ever. God, I'm losing mad legitimacy the longer this goes on.

19. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nominees:
Zach Braff - Scrubs
Steve Carell - The Office
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm
Jason Lee - My Name is Earl
Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men

I think they're all jackasses. Jason Lee gets the slight nod over the rest of the herd because he's in a show that cast Brett Butler as a guest star. Fabulous move.

Train wreck. I love it. Somebody put Grace Under Fire on DVD. Now.

20. BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Empire Falls
Into the West
Lackawanna Blues
Sleeper Cell
Viva Blackpool
Warm Springs

There can't seriously be people that watch these. Clearly, Warm Springs deserves this for the most amazing casting ever - Kenneth BranAGH as FDR. Orgasm.

Heh.

21. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

Just know that Halle Berry got nominated for being Oprah's stooge and is thus the only person that shouldn't win.


22. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
See number 20. Not even close. Roosevelt love.

I'm sick of this shizzle, so we're skipping a category.
24. BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Nominees:
Naveen Andrews - Lost
Paul Newman - Empire Falls
Jeremy Piven - Entourage
Randy Quaid - Elvis
Donald Sutherland - Commander in Chief

Paul Newman probably still has a 6-pack at...105 or whatever he is. Usually that would be enough, but Donald Sutherland is really fucking good. Commander in Chief would be basically the best show ever if he wasn't a supporting role.

How that man managed to channel David Beckham is beyond me.

I must now abide by my promise in the blog title.



"You're fired, Serena."

Ariel Sharon <3.

I hope everyone appreciated the hard work and suffering Devra Bogangles did for her entry. I mean, she fucking did actual RESEARCH et cetera to bring the world up to date on a truly soulless exercise. As Devra is not a regular blogger, I feel she has been mildly disheartened by the blogging practice (i.e. the time it takes to create the post, edit it, put pictures of goodness in, actually get it online) so you should actually leave comments on her post. I know none of you think it pertinent to do it for my own posts, but at the very least show her the courtesy you will not extend to me. Thank you.

Speaking of said Bogangles, she gave me a copy of "The Case For Hillary Clinton" by Susan Estrich that she stole from the Daily Show or something; I choose not to question her actions when they directly benefit me. Come to think of it, she supposedly took Robert Byrd's memoir from the Daily Show too, but I don't know where this alleged item is right now. I would love to read "Life of Klan Member." I was just looking at the book on Amazon, and he apparently wrote an anti-Bush book called "Losing America: Confronting A Reckless and Arrogant Presidency." Hmmm. You know what I think is really reckless? Riding around on a horse with a hood over your head because you're too much of a chicken shit to show people who you are. You know what I think is arrogant? Putting a hood on the horse too. Fucking redneck bitchcunt. I digress.


At any rate, the Hillary book is totally badass, even though Susan Estrich is this hardcore feminist insane person who helmed the ill-fated Dukakis campaign in 1988. She goes on Fox News a lot to piss off all the conservatives, sort of the anti-Ann Coulter. Haha, remember when John Kerry got photographed in that weird astronaut shizzle and everyone compared it to the Dukakis tank picture? Lets take a look.

Crazy Dukakis:


French Terrorist:


All I'm saying is that Hillary better not show up at a costume party dressed as Rikki Tikki Tavi. Even though I think that would really help her out in the red states.

2008!!!!

On a final note, Weenie Enema extends its heartfelt wishes to Ariel Sharon, if only because he was not present on mine or Devra's ghoul pool, and his existence only helps our chances at victory. That said, Sharon is insanely awesome, and is much more grounded in reality than anyone in the history of the Middle East. Find me a single other Israeli that would say, "Gee, the Palestinians aren't going away. Maybe I should accept the fact that they're going to need their own state." None of those crazy bastards will say it. Balls of steel. We will run a mouthdroppingly incredible pictoral essay when he dies from his brain bleeding, which I feel will be rather soon.

Celebrity Fit Club 3: A Pox on Pop Culture ... A Special Report by DB Bogangles

So I must admit I watched the season premiere of Celebrity Fit Club 3 online. I watched it online very late at night and was enthralled. I initially thought I was going to live-to-Microsoft Word blog it, but Emma and I decided to eat some bovine to ring in the New Year good and proper – missing the broadcast completely. I wonder if VH1 will ever show it again.

First off, let us examine who will be inducted into the CFC. I’d like to imagine it’s a club like Skull and Bones at Yale or something. There is an actual induction ceremony with sodomy, etc., Gary Busey is the grand master, and there are skulls and bones of former members littering the windowless room.

NB: I did a little sleuthing and found out that while the show is called “Celebrity Fit Club” the actual sessions that the show films and the ensuing weigh-ins are part of “Fit Camp.”

How exciting. I suppose anyone reading this is familiar with the thesis of the show at hand. Let us now try and explicate the title to see if we can gain some insight into what this majesty is truly about.

CELEBRITY = a person of some renown. This is too broad a definition. I mean this could be anyone from Charlie Manson to Chester Alan Arthur to Gary Burghoff.

Who am I kidding. Chester Alan Arthur isn’t of any renown. So for the purposes of this blog entry, let’s define “celebrity” as some human who is trapped in the pop culture broom closet.

Mind you, the closet has a time sensitive lock, so the people trapped inside won’t be freed for quite some time - which is why on the last edition of Celebrity Fit Club we were treated to both Willie “In the Flesh” Aames AND Wendy “Snapple Lady” Kaufman, both at about 14 minutes and 59 seconds of their 15 minutes of fame. So celebrity = a celebrated person.

FIT = physically and mentally sound.

CLUB = a group of persons associated with a common purpose

THREE = the number that comes before 4 and after 2, so there have been two editions of this program before this particular edition, which is now being aired on VH1.

HITHERTO and HENCEFORTH Celebrity Fit Club 3 is a television program in which a smattering of celebrated persons who are both physically and mentally unsound, ranging in celebrity from Charlie Manson to Gary Burghoff, but excluding those such as Chester Alan Arthur.

Sorry buddy. It's rough being you.

This link explains whatever the hell this show is about according to Viacom:
http://www.vh1.com/shows/dyn/celebrity_fit_club_3/series_about.jhtml

Anyway I am new to this whole blog entry thing, so bear with me.

The episode starts out with a creepy dinner at some random LA house. Jeff Conaway sticks his hand in the parfait and then licks it. This marks the first Jeff Conaway Moment of What the Fuck. Tragically, the 11 year old in me had no idea what was coming in the next hour and was slightly turned on. The celebrity fatties are shown actually making their last supper. HA. Get it? Like Jesus before he was crucified. I wonder who Judas is. More importantly I wonder who the Jesus of Celebrity Fit Club is …

Oh, I am supposed to explain or identify the celebrities on this apocalypse of a television show.

1. Vanessa from The Cosby Show. Looks exactly like she did on the show. She doesn’t really look fat. Whatever.

2. Outlandish or Ridiculous or what the hell is his name? Oh yeah, it’s Bizarre. Apparently Bizarre hangs with Eminem.. He is the REALLY fat dude with a SHOWER CAP on. Let it be known the man has no hair. When asked how he let himself crack the 300 lbs barrier, Bizarre said something like it just got away from me, I lost track … that happens to my cell phone, NOT my body. You got fat. It happens, you ate, didn’t exercise AND have bad genetics.

He looks like one of those ducks in the window of a Chinese restaurant.

3. Kelly LeBrock is the one who looks like she is a pretty girl wearing a fat suit to make a statement about what it is like to be fat, except she actually is. Bummer. Her accent is great too. I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually does have a fat suit on and she is doing this just for exposure or something. Gunnar Nelson comes in as a replacement for someone on this Hindenburg voyage and apparently he manipulated his submission photo to get on the show – so it isn’t out of the realm of celebreality possibility. Oh good heavens. Did I just quote the VH1 promo? I think I did. Anyway, if you were wondering who is ejected from CFC3, he is number 8 on this list and a hickie from him sends the very best.

4. Countess Vaughn – the really short black chick. She seems pretty, and she isn’t that fat, but apparently has a bad thyroid. Sucks for her. Her goal is to be in a men’s magazine, but a classy one. I think she said that. I wonder what she is a countess of? Did she marry into that title? Did she get it for her work on UPN?

5. Chastity Bono – She is the only one on the cast who looks like Sonny Bono, but with the addition of Gunnar, she will no longer have to bear the weight, pun sort of intended, of being the only celeb offspring with a famous father who died in a tragic accident. Probability wise, how did that happen?

6. Young MC – I don’t know who this is at all, but he is the other black dude who isn’t as fat, but still fat. Basically, he is the black dude WITHOUT the shower cap on his head.

7. Bruce Villanch – The insanely fat man. I can’t put my finger on what muppet he looks like though. If you don’t pass out from boredom beyond the first commercial break you will see Bruce sans shirt. I wish I had magnificent breasts like him. What is that, like a d-cup? Wow. Anyway, you can ID Bruce by his magnificent rack and crazy Janice of The Muppet Show fame hair.

8. Finally we come to Jeff Conaway.

He's the one who's NOT John Travolta. So much hotter than John Travolta. Maybe he should have taken him up on those offers to go to the Scientology classes. Oops. Like did the man trip and fall down a elevator shaft? Where did he go? Oh he went and did erotic thrillers, an episode of Murder, She Wrote and maybe some cocaine. That's where!

Let it be known that I had a MASSIVE (Jonathan Taylor Thomas did nothing for me) crush on him since forever ago - I must have been 10 or 11 when I first saw Grease or Taxi – so my love for him knows … well actually it knows many bounds as he too takes off his shirt during the show … and those are the bounds of my love. He is apparently a drug addict in some state of recovery or something, who knows. He is also really tall. I think his BMI (body mass index) is the smallest, so he has the least amount of weight to lose. Now while you are at the VH1 website for CFC3 I suggest checking out the message board, because apparently everyone hates Jeff.

Link to message board:
http://www.vh1.com/interact/boards/main.jhtml/celebrity_fit_club_3/ThreadList?offset=0&_requestid=388813

I love how people selectively love their crazy. Gary Busey destroys his genius talent and promising career – after being nominated for a freaking Oscar – he is totally batshit using all those pneumonic devises that make no sense, and the fact that he even had to make them in the first place is baffling. Daniel Baldwin is famous for having a famous talented brother, has a severe addiction to god knows what, and anger issues, but that’s fine with everyone. Willie “In the Flesh” Aames was on two crappy television shows, one was even with Dick Van Patten and he also had a massive drug addiction – with an obvious personality disorder, amongst other things, but that is totally cool. But Jeff freaking Conaway in one show moons everyone, pops some “benadryl” from his pill collection and then tells the drill instructor “Harvey” to fuck off or something after Harvey refuses him the right to pee and all hell breaks loose on these boards. These people are nuts. I will address this issue in another blog entry should Emma permit me the privilege.

To say nothing of the fact that the producers are clearly praying on a serious medical problem that he has. Like they didn’t see this train wreck coming? Out of the cast of Taxi – can I ask you how in the hell is Tony Danza the most successful? Why is he still on television? One cancelled show after the next. Those freaks on the message board should go after him, but if a fatty with a drug problem tells an ex-marine to fuck off – the man had it coming. At least he still has great hair.

Well, this isn’t the last of my treatises on Jeff Conaway, as next week proves to be insanity when Jeff takes a little too much benadryl and removes another article of clothing. This time I believe he takes his shoes off and then flips Harv the bird.

Okay now on with the rest of the show. ‘Chas’ as she likes to be called is one team captain and our pal Jeff is the other team captain. Oh did I mention that when I did some research for this entry and typed in “Jeff Conaway” into Yahoo, it suggested “Jeff Conaway meltdown” as a possible other search topic. Unfortunately not everyone wears their drug addiction as well as Dr. House.

So Chas seems normal enough, as does most of the cast, making for a nauseatingly boring episode. Jeff seems like the entertaining freak of the show, but when you take away the humor of it all – it is devastatingly sad. Like, I just wanna watch my has-been fatties on the teevee and have a good time doing it. I don’t want to have to deal with this downer, but we’ll deal. Bruce Villanch is a bizarre kind of oracle. I didn’t know one man could make me lose my sex drive that quickly. He must have eaten it. His long jump was something. Like should an obese man pushing 60 with a whole cavalcade of health problems really be running and then jumping at all?

Who gives a shit who won the episode, we’re all fucked.