After I started my blog back in the golden days of 2005, a necessary online respite from my genocide class (yes, it WAS as fun as it sounds!), I got to thinking about the events that preceded the inception of Weenie Enema that I never got the chance to chronicle for posterity. One of those moments was the Rosie O'Donnell/Andie McDowell masterpiece "Riding the Bus With My Sister,"
the sort of horribly awful amazing movie that good, decent people schedule their lives around to laugh at and be deliciously politically incorrect at the expense of. Without spending an entire post deriding Rosie's portrayal of a safety scissors-having tard who rides the bus for no real reason - I have difficulty believing that even a legitimately mentally challenged person would just DO that, but tell that to director Angelica Huston - I don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering what WOULD HAVE happened if I hadn't liveblogged ANOTHER crappy Lifetime movie.
This one just looks strange and slightly crazy - "Queen Sized,"
the latest vehicle for zaftig Nikki Blonsky, one of the few actors I can recall typecasting themselves. Just this evening, I was interviewed by the Delaware Valley News (a very edgy way of saying that my father couldn't think of anything to write about for his weekly humor column, so he decided to type up a discussion with his daughter, who LOVES having a literary outlet for her incessant ramblings), and this Blonsky movie came up. As I discussed with Jeffrey Grimshaw, Arnold Schwartzenegger also became typecast fairly quickly, though I would submit that it was the unintentional result of signing on to BRILLIANT 80s action movies.
"I'll be back."
"Only in reruns."
If this had looked like a typical "fat girl gets teased and then redeems herself in the eyes of her peers, but most importantly HERSELF," I wouldn't even be bothering. However, the NY Post review by Linda Stasi mentions that her obesity seems to have the accompanying side effect of extreme paranoia and hallucinations, an angle that Lifetime is apparently not promoting - their loss.
8:56 - I got thrown out of the market yesterday for getting into a verbal fight with the town drunk, who started it by walking up to me and saying, "You know that Hillary Clinton?" And I go, "Yeah." And he goes, "A WOMAN can't be President." And I'm all, "She's actually much more masculine than you're acknowledging here." And then he was all, "And this Obama is a half Puerto Rican BLACK guy." And...somewhere down the line I called him a clithead and was asked politely to leave. Such is life.
9:00 - This is the WORLD PREMIERE. Woooo.
9:00 - The credits include some girl throwing sticks of flames around. It doesn't appear to pertain to anything.
9:01 - "So this movie is about cheerleading?...Fat cheerleaders?" - Drunk Erin
9:01 - I'm not sure how I feel about them TELLING us she's won homecoming queen in the first minute. But I'm guessing this movie isn't really about twist endings.
9:02 - ANNIE POTTS! LOVE.
9:03 - Okay, Annie just opened up a pizza box full of junkfood and said it was under Nikki's bed. Nikki apparently a) is a 6-year-old fat girl and b) has a nosy/creepy mom
9:03 - I think her high school is Capeside High. Which means that Dawson Leery should be strolling by saying, "You're not as skinny as JOEY."
9:04 - I get that this movie is REALLY milking anti-fat sentiment in high school, but I have never heard anyone past the age of 10 oink and call fat people lardass. Not saying it doesn't happen, but they really must have assembled the cream of the crop for this one.
9:05 - Her friend drives a Prius. So energy conscious.
9:05 - "What's for dinner?" She's not going to say this every two minutes, is she?
9:07 - We've had our first sighting of CRAZY Nikki, where her fantasy has conjured up Annie Potts in a black cocktail dress lobbing choice insults at her from a porch swing.
9:08 - Having Nikki binge on yodels to Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" has to be the least subtle thing ever.
"That's not what the song is about!"
9:08 - You know, Annie participates in healthy activities to the point where it feels like she's REALLY rubbing it in.
9:11 - The first legit great thing about this movie - including Nelly Furtado's sellout masterpiece "Maneater." Would it be included if it wasn't about...eating men? You decide.
9:12 - Besides the obvious weight issue, this character is also stupid and unnecessarily cunty to her peers. Starting to think her classmates hate her for other reasons.
9:13 - I think the Polynesian kid that Mary Kay Letorneau banged and subsequentally married is hitting on Nikki Blonsky. Villi? Is that right?
"Lay off Nikki - he's MINE."
9:14 - Seriously. I went to high school in New Jersey. EVERYONE had self-esteem issues. However, they didn't make that abundantly clear in every SINGLE sentence they uttered.
9:15 - "I know you've had a rough time since your dad died." ??? Oh wait. It's a Lifetime movie. Right.
9:17 - "Just because dad died of diabetes doesn't mean I will." And yet...
9:19 - Is "Geeky McDweeby" supposed to be the Polynesian guy?
9:19 - They nominated her for homecoming queen? Oh, you GUYS. Tee hee.
9:24 - Lowry Electric Heating and Cooling has served over 80,000 homes and businesses. I totally GET commercials.
9:25 - First scene is in the cafeteria. Surprise!
9:25 - I have a similar tale for Nikki to consider. In my sophomore year in high school, the student council nominated me for the student/teacher volleyball game because I had a reputation for wearing kneepads and being unnecessarily aggressive. You know what? I was mildly surprised and pissed, but I just told the student council to eat it. End of discussion. Learn from me, homedog.
9:27 - "So just because the girls are mean, I shouldn't run?" - Nikki. "No, you shouldn't run because you're fat." - Drunk Erin, the demographic this film is not courting.
9:27 - "ALL SHE FUCKING DOES IN THIS MOVIE IS EAT! WE SHOULD TOTALLY HAVE A DRINKING GAME FOR THIS!" - Drunk Erin.
9:29 - Does alternate reality Annie Potts ever change out of the Ann Coulter dress?
I eat babies.
9:29 - I have a history of eating some real shizzle in my time, but after the 78th pudding, I probably wouldn't take her lead and go for number 79.
9:30 - I've read enough Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul to know that 99% of the problem is her POISONOUS image issues, NOT the homedogs sneering at her ass.
9:31 - At what high school are teachers allowed to wear jeans on non-field day trips to the Liberty Bell?
9:32 - I think Pete Wentz just wandered into the - are you ready? - the cafeteria.
9:32 - Yet another movie where people with noticable gel in their hair are labeled goth and thus the perfect targeting group for Nikki's homecoming candidacy.
9:33 - Her campaign manager couldn't wait until the girls got out of the shower to get the signatures? That's...convenient.
9:37 - Apparently there is a Lifetime show called "How to Look Good Naked," or something to that effect. Perhaps that show and this movie should talk.
9:38 - At least for the duration of this premiere, wouldn't it be classy to withhold the food commercials?
9:39 - "I'm glad you're having fun with this." - Annie Potts "WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???" Nikki needs to chill. For realz.
9:40 - So is Villi helping with this campaign, or is he just here as the token minority love interest?
9:41 - Quick quiz: Some nefarious creature steals her petitions from the locker, making her ineligable. What do YOU think she does? You're right! She eats yodels!
9:43 - Like, it's cool that she's running and pumped about it and everything, but withholding coffee from people to force them to sign the petition is...like Stalinist.
9:44 - How much weight do you think Blonsky put on just eating the random crappola the director forced her to?
9:45 - Villi wants to study abroad somewhere! Might I suggest the Polynesian Islands?
9:46 - Oooh, there's infighting amongst the popular girls! Seems some of them don't want to go to state schools. Meow!
9:46 - Nikki is in the kitchen and not eating. Methinks, like Drunk Erin, that we've reached the digestive TRANSITION period of the movie.
9:47 - "I took a second mortgage out. We're really THIN here." Hmm. Not saying anything.
9:50 - HAHAHAHHA. A Jenny Craig commercial. Couldn't make this up if I tried.
9:51 - Forest Whitaker is in a new Lifetime movie. He plays a black man with a wonky eye. Badum ts.
9:52 - Seeing Nikki Blonsky's simplistic pink political posters - note: no one in my high school ever actively CAMPAIGNED for homecoming king or queen - reminds me of the wonderful posters I had for my ill-fated student council run that consisted of the sheep from "Babe" imploring students to vote for me. It is probably a big reason why I lost.
Have a dilemma? Vote for Emma!
9:54 - She's literally running now....all the way home to gorge on a gallon of ice cream. Oding on cliches, cliches everywhere! I thought we had the noble transition of not eating in the kitchen before.
9:56 - I feel pretty sure that guidance counselors are not allowed to ask fat people to drop out of the homecoming race. Worst high school ever. (Must be in Arkansas.)
9:57 - Nikki seems completely awestruck by the goth girl who is about 10 pounds overweight and still has the gumption to change in the locker room aka not the bathroom stall like herself. Clap. Clap.
9:59 - I think one of the popular girls is sabotaging another popular girl's posters. Now, am I correct in assuming that the saboteur is doing this because the popular girl doesn't want to go to the same state school as her? Because seriously. That's insane.
10:01 - Now that we've reached the hour marker, I'm hoping Nikki is slowly but surely coming to the realization that Annie Potts ROCKS and does not really dress like Coulter.
10:02 - SHE WON. I AM SO SHOCKED. SERIOUSLY. WHO SAW THAT COMING.
10:06 - Ryan Seacrest does random commercials not affiliated with Idol? Confused. "So...he hasn't come out yet, right?" - Drunk Erin
10:07 - Even my noble cat Arnold James Grimshaw has literally turned his back on this movie.
10:08 - "You've got the crown, but SHE has the boyfriend." In conclusion, Annie Potts is still dressed like the cunty conservative who likes to get pissed on during sex.
10:09 - "Is that a papasan chair or a laundry basket?" - Emma. "Well, her clothes ARE big." - Drunk Erin. Lifetime doesn't deserve a viewing audience like this.
10:10 - "I know what you mean. I was a black girl in an all-white school." Really? Should we equate obesity with black people? Oprah, what do you think?
10:11 - There's a Yahoo! headline that says "Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson fight violence against women." Two questions - Did this happen in Sin City? And is "fight" really the appropriate word to use for that?
10:13 - Maybe this is just me coming from the high school in the cornfields, but if we wanted coffee, I think we had to give teachers under the counter money to sneak some out of the teacher's lounge, and we DEFINITELY didn't have fancy brand name coffee cups.
10:18 - 1976 brought us a homecoming disaster in the guise of pig's blood on Sissy Spacek. 2008 has brought us a sabotaged wooden platform that almost kills a cat.
10:19 - I've been seeing that Verizon FioS kid everywhere. Little creeped out.
10:20 - Arnold James Grimshaw has returned. I think he was upset about the orange tabby that narrowly escaped death.
10:20 - There's some TV series called "Seven Things to Do Before I'm 30." The ad just involves a girl making out with a guy. Kind of think I know what one of the seven things is.
10:22 - The principal is claiming that the sabotaged wooden floaty thing is "hazing." I'm thinking it's attempted feline murder, but maybe we have different views on life.
10:23 - Popular girl just name-dropped Machiavelli. Uh-huh. I totally believe this movie is realistic.
10:24 - I think this magical Capeside school has a coffee store INSIDE of it. Not NEAR it, INSIDE it. Do you know what a continious intake of caffeine would have done for my GPA?
10:25 - The high school senior macking on the popular girl has a raging bald spot. At least James Van Der Beek just had an old FACE.
10:26 - I'm sure it's not all that common for an overweight girl to end up being homecoming queen in a high school, but I'm guessing it usually doesn't end up with the girl in question ending up on the news, being hailed as a "local hero." Transvestite? Yes. Nikki Blonsky? No.
10:28 - The plot is slowly starting to meld into Hairspray. Zac? John Travolta with creepy makeup? Where are you guys?
10:32 - Ty Pennington makes me very angry.
10:33 - This is starting to look like a 2-hour epic. Oy.
10:34 - Man, you know you're hitting rock bottom on the social register when the GOTHS call you a loser.
10:35 - Her BFF just claimed she spent her entire media interview complaining about how everyone mistreats her. Wasn't Nikki doing this from day one?
10:36 - Nikki just got suspended for three days for pushing her BFF, who then tripped and hit her head on a bike wheel. We had kids who were dealing crack outside of math class with more lenient punishments than this. I harken back to the Stalin analogy.
10:39 - Drunk Erin brought this up in passing earlier, but this IS supposed to be South Carolina and they all sound like...me. Which is an honor and everything, but factually inaccurate.
10:39 - "I voted for you." - popular girl to Nikki. All together now: AWWWWWW.
10:41 - Why is Annie Potts having this big moment of realization? Aside from the Coulter alter ego, she's been the voice of reason through this whole nightmare.
10:42 - We're getting to the point where this appears to be leading to a grudge match between the two Annie Potts. I have mixed loyalties.
10:46 - Katie Holmes looks like her old self in her new movie aka not like she's saturated with Scientology juice. Encouraging.
10:48 - Latifah is in EVERY commerical. Does she own this channel?
10:48 - Villi's wearing a puffy vest. Solidarity!
10:49 - Only way this movie redeems itself - Villi and Nikki make out, then the two Annie Pottses make out and then the tabby cat shows up for no reason and starts singing a song from Les Miserables.
10:50 - One of the annoying popular twats sounds EXACTLY like Lacie Chabert in "Mean Girls."
10:50 - Nikki is getting video messages on her laptop from fat people who are inspired by her. I want video messages!
10:51 - I cannot believe it took me an hour and 51 minutes not to make the connection between Nikki hiding her junk food in her room and Claudia Kishi doing the exact same thing in The Babysitters Club.
10:52 - Note to everyone: If you go into a fancy clothes store and say you are the mother of the famous fat girl on tv, the manager will give you whatever you want. I am going to the Pepsi plant in Purchase, NY and saying I'm the daughter of, um, a famous person who likes Diet Pepsi.
10:54 - The BFF, if you recall, had a HEAD injury, and yet she's wandering around the high school with a bandage on her arm. Hmm. Did the wound SPREAD?
10:56 - Oooh, so the girl throwing flames at the beginning was part of...I guess the color guard during the homecoming parade? Better late than never.
10:57 - I think Nikki's noble words are getting through to the football players.
10:58 - It is not clear who the homecoming king is. It could be Villi. Make out!
10:59 - No sign of the cocktail dress Annie Potts. I think I know who won the grudge match.