Live Blogging the Emmys!

We are attempting something rather risky - liveblogging the third most important awards show of the season on a DIALUP connection. Remember those?

7:15: We have not seen Mariska. However, we HAVE gotten to see America Ferrera, proving once and for all that the Sisterhood of those glorious pants lives!

7:16: I'm pretty sure that Tony Shaloub and Patricia Heaton are two of my least favorite people ever.

7:17: I assume I'm heinously wrong about this, but are there really freaks out there who only tune into the red carpet for the FASHION? Ew.

7:17: Tony Shaloub, you get Emmys for not touching shizzle. Frown.

7:18: I don't want to set a predominantly negative tone, but I CAN'T be the only person who dislikes Wayne Brady. As an aside, I completely do not understand this "innovational" stage setup. It looks like the love child of MTV Unplugged (RIP) and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. In 2004, I went to a taping of Millionaire with Crazy Mego and deliberately voted for the wrong answers when the audience was polled. If you trust complete strangers in your pursuit of money, you deserve nothing.

7:21: I didn't see the commercial because I was munching on a scrumptious repast of hamburger meat and potatoes, but is that Kitchen Nightmare show basically the exact same thing as that Gordon Ramsey dictatorial chef program? When I was visiting Dr. Maximillion Bojangles in Philly, I found out that he watches nothing but cooking channels, even though he is about 100 pounds. People slash doctors fascinate me.

7:23: WHO CARES ABOUT THE FEMALE GOODYEAR BLIMP PILOT AND THE SOLAR PANELS! WHERE IS MARISKA???

7:24: OMAR EPPS! Watch the soulless blond host NOT ask him about his now non-existent six pack from Love and Basketball. Still looks like a chipmunk, but a sleek one.

7:25: Why are ANY of the Desperate Housewives here? I had NO idea anyone still watched that show. Felicity Huffman seems all nice and adept at playing chicks with dicks, but she gives off boring vibes like the wolf.

7:27: Oooh. The only fun member of Ally McBeal! Does she still have a career slash reason to be there?

7:27: HUGH LAURIE!!!!! Finally, someone legit. During sweeps, they should have an episode where Dr. House inexplicably breaks into a British accent. And it can be the result of a MYSTERIOUS disease that no one but the Princeton hospital has ever seen.

7:28: Hugh was wrong about what time it is in England, but my guess is that as you get further west, the time difference hardcore messes with your mind.

7:29: During our commercial break, we should discuss the massive conspiracy involving one of the 10 worst movies ever, "Silk," which is inexplicably getting positive reviews. Movies where Keira Knightley is boning Michael Pitt and whispering "Make me a baby," are not good.

7:31: EDIE!!! You are beyond badass, and you should have been given many more props for Oz. MANY more.

7:32: When I'm being interviewed on the red carpet in 16 years:
Soulless wench: What are you wearing?
Emma: Ebay.
Soulless wench: Hmm...Mark, back to you! And I heard you have BOTH Fanning sisters with you!
Mark: I DO, and they brought the 5 Oscars between them!

7:34: Still no sign of Mariska and Peter "Mr. Mariska" Hermann. As an aside (since they're interviewing Jon Stewart and I don't like Canucks), remember how one of the selling points of the United 93 movie was that they cast relative unknowns so that you really felt that they were filming the actual people on the flight? I'm watching them on the plane, and all of a sudden - boom! Mariska's husband is there! So much for unknowns.

7:36: Is Helen Mirren 16? She looks EXACTLY like Hayden Panettiere.

7:40: I want someone to say something that ISN'T "I don't think I'll win." When I embarrass ABC with my Ebay rant, I'm going to predict my victory, humility be damned.

7:42: ASK VANESSA WILLIAMS ABOUT BEING THE ONLY FEMALE LEAD IN AN ARNOLD MOVIE NOT TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM BECAUSE SHE WAS BLACK!!! Wait. I don't think he sucked face with Rae Dawn from Commando. But that's because he had just accrued his highest death count in the history of Arnold movies and he was cuddling Alyssa Milano.

7:44: They have openly acknowledged that most of the celebrities are inside already. Did they deliberately pass up an opportunity to interview Mariska?

7:49: PATRICIA HEATON IS BEING INTERVIEWED AGAIN. Or...perhaps they interviewed someone who looked exactly like her before. Hmm. I wonder who that was.

7:50: Would you just DIE if all of a sudden OJ plowed across the carpet in a Bronco? Patricia Heaton would probably literally die. I will stop being mean to Raymond alums starting...now.

7:51: Where have I seen that Heidi Klum hair before? It was probably a movie with flappers. Also, will someone in the comment section tell me what happened to Seal's face? Because everyone always yells at me when I ask, but it is out of genuine curiousity, not anti-Seal, Kiss From A Rose snarkiness.

7:52: MARISKA!!!!!! I HEART YOUR HAIR!!!! I HEART YOU!!! Where's Peter? Oh, Mariska. I'm sure everything fits you like a glove. HEART HEART HEART.

7:54: Now that I have calmed down, can we discuss how Mariska basically said, "I probably won't win," just like everyone else did, but in a much more badass way? "Oh, I have a one in six chance." You are so wise. If she were a pig in Animal Farm walking around on her hind legs wearing clothes, I would be totally okay with that. Anyway. No more Mariska gushing until her category comes up.

7:56: I am not intimately familiar with the list of nominees, but I feel like Lil Mama should be there. Just so she can wear that weird baby outfit she trots out to black tie affairs.

7:58: HAYDEN PANETTIERE!!!! She should have won an Oscar for "Remember the Titans." TEAM HAYDEN. She and Russell Crowe owe it to humanity to team up one of these days.

8:00: I've said it once, I'll say it continually - the stage is stupid. Bringing cartoons to the awards show is stupid.

8:01: Why does Charlie Sheen look goth? Denise has something to do with this, mark my words.

8:02: It is so refreshing to see Edie Falco and James Gandolfini looking genuinally happy.

8:03: Why...is Seacrest here? Christ.

8:04: Seacrest is not funny...and yet he IS funnier than Sarah Silverman was last week. Shocking.

8:04: Let's see how many Idol jokes we can squeeze into this monologue. I count three so far.

8:05: Was that a fat boy joke? Hmm.

8:05: There is nothing better than a Teri Hatcher joke. BRING BACK LOIS AND CLARK!! I thought that was about the explorers for WEEKS.

8:06: If I were host, I would blatantly ignore the cast of Grey's Anatomy for the entire telecast.

8:07: Hayden's dress is the same color as her face. She should have worn the cheerleader outfit.

8:08: Ray, it's 2007. GET A HAIRCUT. Did they just black out most of his weird monologue? I hope that was intentional.

8:09: I never thought I would say this, but...bring back Seacrest.

8:10: It's 8:10. HAND OUT AN AWARD. JESUS.

8:11: It's 8:11. HAND OUT AN AWARD. JESUS.

8:11: Hmm...Ducky...Matt Dillon's brother/creepy guy from Season 2 of 24...Doogie...Mr. Piven...that crappy Office guy...

8:12: Mr. Piven!!! It's not the crappy Office guy!

8:13: I love that Jeremy Piven is funnier than Seacrest and Romano combined. And see how that lasted 20 seconds? That's how you do it.

8:14: AMERICA FERRERA! THE PANTS!!!

8:14: Pedophile thingy from Lost...CHRISTOPHER MOLTISANTI...the gay guy who will get all the sympathy votes...the cutey Asian from Heroes...another creepy thing from Lost...Captain Kirk...I think one of the creepy things from Lost won. Why the disrespect for Moltisanti?

8:16: "Yay, he acknowledged us!" - cast of Desperate Housewives.

8:17: I feel like when they announce that the TV movies and miniseries are coming up that they're basically saying, "Go to the bathroom and take care of business so you don't have to do it later."

8:21: I totally forgot Sally Fields was still alive. Blush.

8:22: I don't believe Seacrest actually watches Weeds...that was Idol joke number four.

8:22: Devra has denied this, but I think Tina Fey is her estranged twin sister. With a scar.

8:23: That woman who played the social worker in the weird Reese Witherspoon movie...some girl from the crappy Office show...the Kim Cattrall of Weeds...Earl woman...someone who looks like Tammy Faye Bakker...Vanessa...Earl woman won! Word.

8:24: When I look at Jaime Pressley, I only see dead hooker from Sin City.

8:26: Was that guy on Early Edition? That was the best idea for a show ever.

8:26: Ed Asner(!!!)...Sideways horny guy...the agent from Up Close and Personal...an Indian...and Aidan Quinn...Sideways horny guy won! This is probably retribution for when Morgan Freeman beat him for the Oscar playing the same role he always plays. Clearly still basking in the physical goodness of his Sandman physique, the only good thing in ANY of the three Spidermans.

8:33: No one here is funny. Bring on Kathy Griffin. Lots of Gwyneth jokes. Good times.

8:34: They're not...actually going to have Spears on, are there? Because that will not be conducive to anything. Worried frown.

8:35: NO HILLARY JOKES. HISS. HOW MUCH IS OBAMA PAYING YOU!!!

So classless. You should all be ashamed. Snicker.
8:35: What exactly IS the point of this montage? Bush bashing? Boy, that's so fresh and crisp! I suppose if I had to choose between this and Ray Romano, I'd reluctantly swallow the stale one-liners we've heard 20 times over.

8:37: I can't imagine more than 5% of the audience even knows who Tony Parker is.

8:37: Dr. Melfi....the Aussie from Six Feet Under who apparently has another show...some blond from Grey's...my homedog Oh....AIDA TURTURRO...someone ELSE from Grey's....WHAT THE HELL!!! I DEMAND to see Janice Soprano this instant! I'm SURE Heigl had no idea she was going to win. Whatever. Eyeroll. Janice would have told it to us straight.

8:40: Hahahaha, I can NEVER keep a straight face when J Love shows up.

8:41: Ducky called her "Love!" Hah!

8:41: Colbert shizzle (I am the only one in the country who hates Colbert and his cronies)...the Canuck...Conan!...ugh Letterman sleaze...Ann Coulter's ex...CONAN! Yay! Coulter will kill you in your sleep. It would have been fun if there had been a huge shocker and J. Love had won a belated Emmy for Party of Five. Deserved, and way more fun than this variety show crappola.

8:45: Aguilera is there? HAHA. Maybe Britney WILL show up.

8:55: I was pooping, sorry. (We are all about the TMI here at Weenie Enema.) It appears I missed a musical performance that didn't involve Brit. Grumble. If Idol really wanted to be legitimate, they'd get Aguilera to be a coach, irregardless of whether she has a song to promote.

8:55: Old guy from Iris (I think?)...Duvall...Huffman's husband...Chandler...Tom Selleck (had a career after guest spot on Friends?)...Duvall won. We are a bit suspicious of him because of his putrid performance in an admittedly putrid Arnold movie, The Sixth Day.

8:57: "The Western is here to stay." - Duvall. He should have added, "because of the amazingness of Russell Crowe in Yuma."

8:58: Seacrest totally just made Vanessa Hudgens cry. Chuckle.

9:02: Oh, Latifah. Remember when she was all about profanity-laced ghetto rap in the mid-90s? I miss that Latifah.

9:04: I never met someone who saw Roots voluntarily. Just saying.

9:04: I get why you'd have a black person introduce the Roots thing, but if they were so sure that Roots was instrumental in breaking down barriers, why not someone white? Like...Ryan Gosling. That would be neat.

9:06: Where is Sidney Poitier? I know he wasn't in Roots, but I bet a lot of people DON'T know that, and he's fun.

9:07: Sideways guy Western, Helen Mirren detective show...shizzle Debra Messing show...the Western reigns supreme! Will they thank Russell Crowe for his contribution to the genre? Anyone?

9:08: Why is Duvall making another speech? Surely there is someone else in that production that hasn't had a chance to speak. You haven't been hot since you were Boo Radley. The end.

9:09: HAYDEN PANETTIERE AND DOOGIE!!! Doogie made a poon joke. Um...We KNOW about the chocolate socket love. You fool no one.

9:10: Uh...this is a very fast nominee list...HOLY SHIT!!!! MARCIA GAY HARDEN WAS NOMINATED FOR SVU...oooh Jean Smart...but she was only on 24 for like 10 seconds this season to stab President Logan. And we never found out if he died or not.

9:11: Wait, why are they reading more nominee lists for different categories?? I WANT TO KNOW IF MARCIA GAY HARDEN WON!

9:12: I think a Sopranos guy won for directing an episode. I think they FORGOT that Marcia Gay Harden was nominated. And also happened to be the only good thing to happen to SVU since the Mary Kay Letorneau episode in Season 5. Oh, and the cameo by Angela Lansbury in Season 6.

9:14: Um. It's ANOTHER category, and MGH's fate continues to lie in the balance. Another Sopranos win, I believe for writing. Nod of approval. The writer looks like Alan Alda and sounds like John Hawkes.

9:20: K-Ville looks dorky. AND the song in the background sounds like it's sung by Avril. Meh.

Yes, Avril. You are punk. Polite nod.
9:21: When Steve Carell makes jokes and everyone except me laughs, it makes me think that my enemies in high school were right and that I am without a soul. But then I remember that when Barbara Hershey and Macauley Culkin die in movies, I cry. So at the very least, the status of my soul is inconclusive.

9:24: Wait...I think when Leslie Caron came up to speak, that was when Marcia Gay Harden lost. And Leslie Caron won. I don't think that was made clear. I will blame HAYDEN PANETTIERE.

9:25: How many Emmys are you going to give Tony Bennett? He's a legend, we get it. This is like when Norah Jones won all those Grammys and Malsta and I got upset and flashed Kunal so that he would cry and we would feel better. I'm not entirely sure if that's how we actually consoled ourselves, but the point is that it's POSSIBLE.

9:27: If you got rid of Ernst and Young, Seacrest and Romano, you'd have an hour-long program.

9:27: Why is it that when a Desperate Housewife and someone else from another show goes up to present an award, they ALWAYS play the Housewives song?

9:28: Another fast nominee list...HAHA ANNA PAQUIN! LET HER WIN!...Judy Davis? Bull! Give it to the Piano girl! If you go on youtube, you can find Anna Paquin's Oscar acceptance speech from when she was like 12.

She looks like Freddy Highmore.
9:31: Some random dude just namedropped Idol Gives Back. That was so wretched. Remember when Seacrest MANIPULATED life and made it look like Jordin got voted off? God.

9:33: I don't want to needlessly alarm anyone, but it looks like Dane Cook made another movie. AND that it's going to be released in theaters. Since he's already made movies with Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba, I'm thinking he has exhausted the pool of female leads who attempt to mask their inability to act with cleavage.

9:36: I love Mary Louise Parker as much as anyone, but Glenn Close could legitimately eat her, if she felt so inclined. Kyra, your husband has made one pedophile movie too many.

9:37: Why is this the first time I'm hearing of "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Masectomy?" That is truly one of the all-time great TV movie titles that doesn't star Tori Spelling.

9:39: I think this might be the first time a musical filler in an awards show made me feel content down there.

9:43: Meadow, you look amazing. Tim Daly, this is not your show.

9:45: I'm certainly not hating on The Sopranos, but tons of shows have gone off the air and didn't get this minutes-long sendoff on the Emmys. But Oz should have. And they should have had all the castmates come up to the stage naked.

9:47: If ever I had a legitimate love/hate relationship with someone, it's that kid from the Verizon FioS commercials.

9:48: As I stare at three Diet Pepsi cans and try to ascertain which of them is not empty, I am reminded of my great proposal to make cans out of see-through aluminum.

9:49: Latifah was nominated??? I thought she was just there to cheer on Roots. Haha, Latifah, you simply can't beat Helen Mirren. I'm telling you - she's not even legal. No way. Helen, your dress reminds me of black raspberry ice cream. Now everyone knows why I could never be a fashion commentator.

9:51: If anyone watched Helen's speech and didn't feel warm and fuzzy everywhere, then YOU have no soul. Mine is still in limbo, but YOU definitely don't have one.

9:52: Who is this creature doing standup? He looks like Jeffrey Grimshaw with hair, i.e., 1987. But he's screaming, and Jeffrey doesn't do that unless I steal his ATM card and buy ravioli with it. For the record, I do not do that anymore. Averts eyes.

9:54: 1987 Jeffrey Grimshaw, please stop now. Memory lane was fun at 9:52.

9:56: Is that Holly Hunter underneath that wasp's nest?

9:58: "Coming up - Kayne West." ...No. That can't possibly be true. I misheard it. La la la. Team Fitty.

9:59: In case anyone was wondering why no one has won an award in 10 minutes, they have, but they were for dumb categories. It's much more fun discussing souls and old school Jeffrey.

10:01: Armpit deodorant commercials are becoming more and more sophisticated. It's an encouraging sign of the times.

10:03: PEOPLE ON THE SOPRANOS DO NOT SHANK. PEOPLE ON OZ SHANK.

10:04: My first pug will be named Little West 12th Street. My second pug will be named Masi Oka.

10:05: Why is Al Gore here? Jesus Christ. Hillary is probably wetting herself.

10:05: I love lots of things about Hollywood. Their insistence that Al Gore is really President is not one of them.

10:07: Thank GOD he didn't announce his Presidential candidacy.

10:07: I wonder if this Joely Fisher creature is the one I mistook for Patricia Heaton. I wonder why I care.

10:08: Stop making fun of Charlie Sheen! He's been through enough!

10:08: I'm shocked it took this long for a Larry Craig joke.

10:09: Tony Bennett is up for another award. I wonder if he will win.

10:09: I have stopped wondering.

10:10: Whilst perusing the Worst Dressed slideshow on Yahoo, it appears that the first picture is of Hayden Panettiere. Hard to argue with that.

10:11: Why, WHY must you continue to put Teri Hatcher in front of a camera?

10:11: While we have a minute, why wasn't Lauren Bacall nominated for her guest appearance on The Sopranos? That was easily her best role since The Big Sleep.

This might be an appropriate to talk about that dream I had where Lauren Bacall attempted to rape me at Laneco.

10:15: At some point, they're going to get on to the REAL awards, right? Mariska has a baby at home to tuck in.

10:17: Didn't that black guy from K-Ville get in trouble with the law a few years ago? Like for groping ladies or something?

10:20: "On July 28, 2004, while filming the motion picture Hustle & Flow, Anderson and crew member Wayne Witherspoon were arrested and charged with raping a female visitor to Anderson's trailer. The charges were later dismissed, but Anderson was still under suit for allegedly sexually assaulting a woman on the set of All About the Andersons."
It appears I was correct.

10:20: He was on Hang Time! Remember that show? Wow. Neat.

10:21: It has been about 20 minutes since the Emmys claimed Kanye West was going to show up. I REALLY don't get how it was just decreed that Kanye is acceptable primetime television material while Mr. Cent has no history of having meltdowns during telethons.

10:23: Seacrest made a gay joke. A giant uncomfortable giggle filled the auditorium.

10:24: NOOOOO! IT'S KANYE!

10:26: This is one of those rare moments where I think Fitty has a real grievance.

10:27: If Kanye shows up at the Oscars, I'm done with everything.

10:28: They actually give a reality show award? Suspicious glare.

10:29: IDOL??!! TEAM JORDIN!!

10:30: The Amazing Race? What???

10:35: We have seen more of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than ANYONE ELSE THERE.

10:36: I sense that more filler is upon us.

10:36: If we were not here chiefly in support of Mariska (and because blog comebacks are occasionally necessary) we would have turned this off half an hour ago to read some Hardy Boys books.

10:38: Seriously. I'd rather watch OJ coverage. Even though I literally watched two entire days worth of it over a decade ago.

10:39: FINALLY, a real category...Alec...Office guy...Monk...Charlie Sheen...Office guy won. Poor, poor Charlie. Looking goth and going through Denise poon withdrawal can't be fun.

10:40: DR. HOUSE! And for the first time all night, they played the House theme, even though a Desperate Housewife went up there with him.

10:40: MARISKA'S CATEGORY! Moment of silence...SALLY FIELD???? THAT GERIATRIC HO??? God. You couldn't temper this bullshizzle by giving it to Edie? This is a travesty. You are 80. LEAVE THE STAGE.

10:42: The only upside is that Calista Flockhart's name was evoked. That probably would not have happened if Mariska won.

10:42: UH. DID SALLY FIELDS JUST SAY DIRTY WORDS??? THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED IF MARISKA WON.

10:46: Jack Palance was kind of hot back in the day.

10:51: Why isn't this over?

10:52: AMERICA FERRERA...Tine Fey...Huffman...Julia...MLP for Weeds...YEEEES!!! THE PANTS! BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE PANTS!!! MUAHAHAHAHA! Nothing can top the Sisterhood. I'm leaving on a high note.