Putting Rumors to Rest.
Over the past few months, there has been some fervent (but alas, fruitless) speculation about the disappearance of Weenie Enema. This post is dedicated to addressing the giant question marks floating around and either substantiating them or dismissing them as sheer fluffery. Because that's how we roll.
Rumor #1: Emma Died.
Untrue. However, 25 attempts have been made on her life by taxis, buses and Kelly Ripa. She didn't appreciate the bulemic jokes. Which were both funny and true.
Morbidda Destiny from the Babysitters Club called. She wants her dress back.
Rumor #2: A Celebrity Has Moved into Weenie Enema headquarters.
Absolutely true. For those who don't watch Animal Planet religiously, Weenie Enema HQ on 94th St. adopted the New York contestant from the Meow Mix House, Bambi. My dad got a hooker in Amsterdam named Bambi pregnant, so we changed her name to Olivia (Benson). Predictable.ca. This is Olivia:
She left a strange substance on Drunk Erin's bed tonight. It was kind of funny, but I don't think Drunk Erin enjoyed seeing what could have legit been pussy pussy discharge. Heh. We heart her more than...the Marcia Gay Harden dog!
Never. Gets. Old.
Rumor #3: Emma Killed the Meow Mix House Cat.
No, Michelle. She didn't. But I guess I should be thanking you for not automatically reporting me to the ASPCA like my next door neighbor in 1997 who thought I was molesting her dog Oreo. P.S. I wasn't.
Rumor #4: The New Dashboard Confessional CD is Amazing
Unequivocal fact. Emo has never been so non-weenie. Massive <3ness.
I think I grew a second clit just looking at that.
Rumor #5: Emma's Annual Letter Writing Contest was Postponed Indefinitely Because She Realized that Emails will Always Beat the Epistolary Form.
No. I'm sure this was another slanderous accusation levied by Michelle, who is clearly jealous of my amazing European sealing wax. She can spew all the billingsgate she wants because the piles of letters I get from around the country attest to the supremacy of the almighty letter. Thank you.
Rumor #6: Emma Inserted Billingsgate Into the Last Rumor Because It's the Only Word She Retained From Subscribing to the Dictionary.com Word of the Day email list.
In closing, Weenie Enema was on hiatus for several reasons, most notably the fact that Condi the Laptop stopped processing the l and p keys, coincidentally on the same day as I agreed to write a pape for Swooodogula about political shizzle. Political without the p and l keys looks like oitica. I can't decide if oitica looks more like an Aqua cover band or an STD one would acquire from a drunken romp in a barn. You decide.
Wait...something's wrong with this picture.
Weenie Enema - infuriating vegetarians and people possessing common decency since 2005 (1984, if you want to get technical).